Uncle Gordon came for Thanksgiving!

Get all the facts

How do you keep from changing your tune with your kids? They ask something, and you say no. Then they come back with more information and another appeal. Given the new information, you change your mind. The child learns that they can change your mind by argumentation. How do you prevent a pattern from developing of answer and argumentation?

The folks at Parenting is Heart Work had a great suggestion: Get all the facts before making a decision, and then let the decision stand. Set the precedent with your kids that when they make a request, they need to offer you all the pertinent information BEFORE you make a decision. If they provide more information to try to change your mind after you have decided (unless the circumstances are unusual) you let your decision stand so that the child learns that there is a genuine dialogue between parent and child about the decision to be made, and that having all the information up front is important. It also reaffirms that your word is firm, and arguing after a decision has been made is unacceptable.

I thought this was an excellent idea, and a great way to both establish authority AND encourage persuasion and dialogue.

Thankful for my family

Yesterday was a good reminder to me of why I am so grateful to God for my family.

I am thankful for my wife. When I woke up in the morning it was 9 o'clock! My wonderful wife had gotten up with Elisabeth on her only day off in two weeks - while I slept.

I am thankful for my daughter. Elisabeth is a remarkable child in the ways that she engages with me. I don't think many full-time parents have as much fun parenting as I do, and I think that much of that is due to Elisabeth's temperament and personality. (So thanks is due the One who gave her such temperament and personality.)

Learning to use a Bjorn

Elisabeth decided that Penny (her favorite doll) would go to sleep better in the Baby Bjorn, so we suited her up!

Seven years ago today

Seven years ago today I was sitting on a bus traveling from Nairobi, Kenya to Arusha, Tanzania. I was traveling with Susan, a friend and fellow student, who had also just completed six months in East Africa. Two days before we had set out from Kampala, Uganda on a bus to Nairobi, and the beginning of our trip had decided to keep a list of the ways in which we saw God at work around us. (If you have never traveled in the majority world - on their means of public transport - it is a terrific way to increase your dependence on God, and open your eyes to your need for Him.) Already we had seen protection, provision, and providence in remarkable ways - one of which I'll share at the end of this post.

As we sat on this bus on our way to Arusha, we looked at our already long list of ways that we had clearly seen God's mercy on us. It was then, only then, that I realized that it was the fourth Thursday of November. Not only had our Father surrounded us with protection and provision, He had even prepared us to give Him thanks! That is wonderful sovereignty!

Here is one small glimpse of the many ways in which we were protected. Susan and I, after traveling by land into Tanzania, were to fly from Kilimanjaro airport to Zanzibar, a small island off the coast of Tanzania. While we were in the air, the captain announced that there was no power on Zanzibar, and therefore we would not be landing there. Instead, we would land in Dar es Salaam, on the mailand. That was not a problem, except for the fact that several of our friends were planning to meet us at the Zanzibar airport that night, and we had no way to contact them, nor they to contact us. (Far from having cell phones, I hadn't even used email in six months!)

So we stayed the night in Dar, and in the morning hopped on a plane that put us in Zanzibar. Our friends were nowhere to be seen. We shared a ride with some other travelers into Stone Town (the downtown area of the island), where they allowed us to drop our bags in their hotel room while we searched for our friends. It was to no avail. Finally, we went back to the airport on the off chance that our friends might have come late, but they hadn't. So Susan and I sat down in the little airport restaurant to figure out what we were going to do. Our friends had been responsible for arranging all of our lodging, travel and everything for the week, so we didn't have the first clue of where to begin.

As we sat there wondering what to do, a pair of hands reached through an open window behind me [note to self: never sit with your back to an open window] and grabbed me by the shoulders. I tensed, not knowing what to expect next. Then I heard the familiar voice of our friend Jason! They had found us, by God's providence, and we were not alone on the island for the week! We had yet another incident to record in deep thanks to God.

Thanksgiving Literature

At Kari's suggestion, I want to start a thread on Thanksgiving literature. I got a late start on checking out books at the library, and so the shelves were pretty bare by the time I got there. However. I did find one that I really enjoyed: Thank you, Sarah is a witty look at a woman who made it her business to have Thanksgiving be remembered as a national holiday. In a piece of historical fiction (with humorous literary license) the author gives readers a glimpse of the history of the holiday while driving home the point that individuals who persistently pursue a goal can have a significant impact on a nation's history.

So when the holiday is over and all the library books are back on the shelves, check this one out for next year!

Sleeping sitting up

Recently Elisabeth's sleep habits have been morphing. The past three days she has taken an afternoon nap in the stroller. (This picture was taken yesterday. Elisabeth fell asleep when we were out in the stroller, so I pulled into a coffee shop to sit and write while she slept. She slept for an hour an a half, then sat up, leaned her head over the side of the stroller, and fell asleep again!) Unfortunately, her daytime naps haven't helped nighttime sleep, which means I nearly always look forward to my cup of coffee in the morning.

Time to Say Please

For working on manners, this is a fun, albeit simple, book. It is not fine literature, but it is simple, and the message is clear: manners matter.

I think Elisabeth enjoyed it more than I did - and I hope she takes the message to heart!

On Evangelism

Recently I heard a sermon on the roadblocks to evangelism, and it struck me that (for me) the greatest roadblocks to sharing the good news are not outside of me, but inside. The two primary ones are:

1. I don't expect the Holy Spirit to give new life to dead people through my witness. I can say, "I believe," but that "belief" often doesn't translate into trusting the Spirit to work through me. My problem is unbelief.
2. I care what others think of me more than I love them. I am afraid that I'm going to look foolish.

I needed that reminder from the Holy Spirit that I need to be transformed and renewed in sharing the good news. The crisis of evangelism is not primarily in that others may be indifferent or hostile to the message, but is primarily in my own heart.

Experimenting with layouts

I'm a bit tired of the blog template I've been using and have switched to another. Let me know what you think. Do you like the old one? The new one? Another Blogger template?

Jumping in the leaves

 

Fathering

To this point, I have reflected on parenting without differentiating much between the role of father and mother. I am aware that there are many gender differences in parenting that distinguish mothering from fathering.

I don't have fully formed ideas yet of what this means, and I have read enough "Christian" articles on the subject to know that I'm after something that is faithful to the Biblical picture of reality - and not merely one cultural manifestation. So I want to reflect on Scripture and experience (without taking my experience as normative) in order to better understand parenting, and particularly, fathering.

I'd welcome your input along the way (particularly from those outside the US) on how God has designed parents to function together as distinct and complementary.

Is this a parenting blog?

I can see how someone would readily ask: "Is this a parenting blog? What's with all the theology?" I think that those are good and appropriate questions, and would like to venture some answers.

Is this a parenting blog?
Yes, it is. I write as a parent, and about parenting. Even when I reflect on something else, I necessarily see through the lens of a parent, since that is what I am. I love capturing the memorable things that Elisabeth does and says. I want to be able to look back on the milestones later - both in Elisabeth's development and in my maturation as a father - and a blog provides a great way to do that.

So why isn't it more like daddytypes?
In some ways, I think there are a lot of similarities. They reflect on perceptions of fathers, challenges of fathering, and opportunities for dads. (Although I have to admit that thus far I've reflected more on parenting generally than on fathering specifically.) In other ways, my blog is pretty different. You'll find a lot less about what is going on in pop culture, consumerism and media as it relates to parenting, which is indicative of the importance that I ascribe to them.

Why so much theology?
Parenting necessarily begs the question of meaning. And if we're too tired from waking up in the middle of the night with the new little one, by the time that little one reaches 2, she or he forces the question: "Why?" For this reason, new parents often become more religious. I use that word to refer to constructing, or ascribing to, a system of meaning. For many parents, it includes going back to mosque, synagogue, or church after a long absence, although that is certainly not the path that all take. Yet every parent has an answer (ill-considered or well-considered) to the question, "What matters most?" It comes out in the way that we live. Like it or not, we live by our values. Our children are often the most astute observers of what matters most to us. They watch us carefully and imitate us vociferously, and so we often see in them little mirrors of ourselves and what we value. So parenting not only begs the question of meaning, it forces the question.

Every person has a way of understanding the world and its meaning, which Lesslie Newbigin calls a "plausibility structure." It is a statement of what we believe about reality, and what is valuable within that reality. The pervasive story in Western culture says that what can be known by scientific inquiry is that which is real, and that what is truly valuable is not intrinsic to reality, but a matter of personal opinion. Some value golf above all, others power and influence, others fame, others family, and so on. But it is without exeption that we all value many things, and that there is an order to those values.

So the long answer to "Why so much theology?" is: It is the answer to the question of meaning. God created and sustains all things, and has designed all of human history to display His beauty in mercy, and to bring all things in subjection to Jesus Christ. That is why theology is central to parenting.

Why review children's literature?
Reflecting on the answers to the why questions, and the accomanying how of parenting is a major undertaking. So why spend time reviewing children's books that anyone can find on Amazon? I'm convinced that great literature allows us to understand and experience God and His creation more fully. Since there is no end to the flood at the printing presses, and in my opinion most children's books are not worth reading, I consider it a service to other parents to highlight the books that are well worth reading so that they don't waste their time with the ones that they would only put down in disappointment anyway. In addition to pointing others to great authors and their books, I also want to create my own little index so that if I return to the classroom, or if God gives us more children, I can refer to this list rather than scratching my head and saying, "I read a lot of good books to Elisabeth when she was little, but now I can't remember what . . ."

Big Grins on the Tire Swing

Elisabeth met up with Zoe for fun on the tire swings! 

Idolatry of a first child

I think that there is a very real danger of having an idolatrous relationship with a child. Perhaps no one experienced greater temptation in this regard than Abraham. At the age of 100, God gave him a son, the promised heir through whom all the nations were to be blessed. If there was ever a family in which a child was in danger of occupying undue focus, it was this family. This was the circumstance in which (perhaps) the most extraordinary demand in all of Scripture was spoken:

"Take your son, you only son Isaac, whom you love, and go to the land of Moriah, and offer him there as a burnt offering on one of the mountains of which I shall tell you" (Gen 22:2).

Because Abraham obeyed, not withholding his only beloved son (22:16-18), the promise was confirmed. The way of retaining his son, and the blessing, was to submit to God as ABSOLUTELY sovereign.

I think that there is much here to learn, particularly for parents (like me) with only one child. We can easily damage our children by placing hope in them that is unwise. We can very easily idolize them and refuse to leave them in the hand of God because they are precious to us (forgetting, of course, that our Father is far more loving and powerful than we are).

If we (particularly those of us who have only one so far) love our children, we must pursue two paths:

1. We must consistently and deliberately entrust our children to God rather than trying to shield them from His hand.
2. We must live for a purpose outside of our family - the blessing of the nations.

These were the two hard paths that Abraham walked; and they were the means by which he received the promise.

You Can't Take a Balloon into the Metropolitan Museum

A wordless book has to be very good to impress me. I was unimpressed with Tuesday, which won a Caldecott, and didn't expect to be wowed by this one when I saw that it was wordless.

Happily, the illustrators are marvelous storytellers. Using multiple frames per page (in different arrangements on each page) they tell a clever and funny story that takes the "reader" all over Manhattan, chasing after a yellow balloon.

Having wonderful artistic detail for adults, it is laid out well enough that Elisabeth can follow the storyline just using the images. My door is opening to the world of wordless books . . .

On the bicycle together

Since I am often the photographer, it has been hard to get a picture of our two-wheeled mode of transportation. Initially, Elisabeth was terrified by the thought of getting in the seat, but now she loves it!

Knuffle Bunny

Knuffle Bunny is a Caldecott Honor book, and I think it deserves it. It is much better literature than most of Mo Willems' work, and the illustrations are adorable. I'm also a fan because he does a great job of setting the characters in a real neighborhood - and thereby makes the characters even more lifelike. This is one both parents and child will enjoy repeatedly!

An afternoon with John Owen

Kelly Kapic, in the introduction to Overcoming Sin and Temptation, remembers longing for a mentor during his days in London while working on a PhD. He recounts this conversation with his wife:

As we sat talking that morning, in what had become normal language around our home, I began a sentence with, 'Do you know what Owen said yesterday . . .?' Stopping me, Tabitha interjected, 'You are being mentored. Listen to how you refer to John Owen, as if he were alive. He is your mentor.' (p23)

This afternoon I had one of those sessions of being mentored by John Owen. Elisabeth fell asleep in the stroller on the walk home from church, and so I pulled out The Glory of Christ and sat on a park bench for a good hour and a half and was reminded again why I love 'being around' this man, as is evidenced by the following excerpt:

There is no contemplation of the glory of Christ that ought more to affect the hearts of them that do believe with delight and joy, than this, of the recapitulation summing up] of all things in him. One view by faith of him in the place of God, as the supreme head of the whole creation. Moving, acting, guiding and disposing of it, will bring in spiritual refreshment to a believing soul. . . . Did we live more in the contemplation of the glory of Christ, and of the wisdom of God in this recapitulation of all things in him, there is not anything of our duty which it would not mind us of, nor anything of privilege which it would not give us a sense of, as might easily be demonstrated. (Owen, John. "The Glory of Christ." Glasgow: Christian Heritage. 2004. p166)

[Translation: Nothing brings true Christians more joy than the thought of all things being made subject to Jesus. If we lived more in the constant awareness of the beauty of Christ, and God's wisdom in making everything subject to Him, our duties would not be burdens, and our privileges would be even sweeter.]

Bag of tricks

I am convinced that engaging children is the best way to prevent problems. Included in this engagement, in my opinion, is "the bag of tricks." I think it is wise for parents, any time they leave home with a child, to bring engaging activities for the child.

Yesterday I was reminded of just how well this works. Elisabeth and I went to the museum for a class, and were sitting waiting for the class to begin. I had brought a couple of books in my bag of tricks, and so pulled one out to read with Elisabeth. When we began reading, there were three other children, also waiting for the class to begin, running in circles and climbing on the benches. Within two or three minutes, all three had crowded around us, and listened intently to the book until the class began(and no longer wreaking havoc in the waiting area). All they needed was to be engaged; it is my contention that this is the parents' privilege and responsibility.

Spelling!

Yesterday we walked in the door and I heard Elisabeth spell five of the six letters of our last name - in the right order, and without any prompting! I was shocked, and so practiced with her the correct spelling. (We'll see how well it sticks.) Inspired, we started working on her first name. Going in groups of three letters, she is quickly getting it. If I say the first three letters, she will supply the next three, and sometimes she can even spell the entire name by herself!

Gardens again

Not lowering the level of language

I think that there is a strong connection between the way parents should speak with their children, and how preachers should communicate with their hearers. I strongly believe that parents should not lower their level of language for their children. Rather, they should use their normal vocabulary and define those words that the child has likely not yet mastered. What I intend is not simply avoiding "baby talk" in which one changes even the pronunciation of words to make them sound like a baby would say them. (Of course I think that is a bad idea.) I mean intentionally maintaining both vocabulary and tone of voice that conveys to the child that she or he is a responsible person. I believe that this kind of language goes a great distance in discipline because parents do not speak to the child in a condescending manner. The child is responsible for his or her actions, and is treated as such.

I think the same is eminently true of preaching. I do not believe that there is value in excluding theological language simply because it is foreign to some. Simply define your terms! Then your hearers acquire the language and understand. You have educated them while teaching them, and they will be the better for it - in hearing you, in hearing others, and in being able to engage in dialogue.

The Wretched Stone

Chris Van Allsburg is a brilliant author and illustrator. I pulled this one off the shelf because I knew his name from The Polar Express which won a Caldecott. The illustrations are truly first rate (hence the Caldecott) and his use of allegory is outstanding. The Wretched Stone is a children's book, and it is one that adults can learn much from - much like the Chronicles of Narnia or any other good allegory.

A young child probably won't get the allegory at all, but will love the tale - and older children will love both the story and discovering its meaning. Hats off to Chris Van Allsburg for this one!

The artist at work

The Man who Walked Between Two Towers

This book is worthy of a Caldecott for its wonderfully illustration and well-told story. It seized my attention, as I was ignorant of this note in the history books. Mordicai Gerstein brings the story to life with wonderful suspense, clever twists, and a loveable, impetuous protagonist.

If you don't know who Philippe Petit is, this book is the best way to learn!

On Democracy

G. K. Chesterton and C. S. Lewis said that the doctrine of original sin is the basis of a democratic form of government – where power is spread out over the people – because it is the only reason we can give for not absolutely trusting a ruling elite. In other words, the best argument of democracy is not that men are good enough to govern themselves, but that men are so bad none can be trusted with absolute power. (John Piper, emphasis mine)

This small observation in John Piper's sermon on original sin in Romans 5 is a demonstration of just how important it is that the Gospel is the foundation for all of life. Our materialist friends (who believe that the material world is all that exists) may advocate for democracy loudly - but they will do so on entirely different grounds. Their assumption is that there is enough goodness in humanity that we can figure out how to work together. The Christian, like Lewis and Chesterton, arrives at democracy from entirely the other direction. Therefore it is absolutely imperative that as we raise our children we teach them the foundations of the Gospel so that they understand where we agree with others, and why we agree with materialists on democracy and yet come at it, and practice it, very differently.

In the Gardens again

We got so many good pictures in the gardens, that this is simply the next in the series.

Disability of dealing with temptations

I read the following last night, and was astounded how Owen's words 300 years ago speak so clearly to our present age in which many speak peace to those who are mortally wounded, and offer methods of healing totally incomensurate with the gospel:

The consideration of the present state and condition of the generality of professors - the visible evidences of the frame of their hearts and spirits - manifesting a great disability of dealing with temptations . . . This was seconded by an observation of some men's dangerous mistakes, who of late days have taken upon them to give directions for the mortification of sin, who, being unacquainted with the mystery of the gospel and the efficacy of the death of Christ, have anew imposed the yoke of a self-wrought-out mortification on the necks of their disciples, which neither they nor their forefathers were ever able to bear [cf. Acts 15:10]. A mortification they cry up and press, suitable to that of the gospel neither in respect of nature, subject, causes, means, nor effects; which constantly produces the deplorable issues [results] of superstition, self-righteousness, and anxiety of conscience in them who take up the burdent which is so bound for them. (Owen, John., "Overcoming Sin and Temptation." Ed. Justin Taylor and Kelly Kapic. Wheaton: Crossway. 2006 p41)

The Story of Ruby Bridges

I want my daughter to grow up to be like Ruby Bridges. From the time Elisabeth is old enough to understand (which probably comes around 6, the same age as Ruby is in the book ) I want her to have heroes like Ruby.

I taught for three years in a public school in which the student population was 99% black. I didn't stumble onto this book until my last year teaching - and when I did, I couldn't stop recommending it. How I wish that there were a thousand books like this one for young black children to devour!

This book is the story of a historic event in our nation's history: the first black child to attend an all-white elementary school. It is told by Robert Coles, who was personally acquainted with Ruby during this time of "integration", and captures brilliantly the fabric of the gospel that was so woven into this little girl's heart in her home.

Just writing this brings tears to my eyes. Every time I read it to my class, I cried. When I showed them the movie, I cried. My students asked me, "Why you crying?" and I would answer, "Because I want you to be like that." Not, "I want you to grow up to be like that," but "I want it for you in your childhood."

I cannot think of a non-fiction picture book that I would recommend more highly than The Story of Ruby Bridges. It is a breathtaking look at the power of the Gospel.

Move over Baskin Robins

Yesterday while we were out walking, Elisabeth turned to me and asked,

"Would you like hippo ice cream or rhinocerous?"

It looks like Baskin Robins stopped far short at 31 flavors when there are so many others to be had!

By the fountain

Twenty minutes to bedtime

Yesterday I got Elisabeth ready for bed, and wanted to give her a sense of when it would be bedtime. So I told her, "It is twenty minutes to bedtime." Elisabeth, always ready to haggle over numbers, said,

"No! Five minutes!"

If she's going to be effective in her haggling, she's going to have to master the value of numbers . . .

Then we can go in the 3

Yesterday Elisabeth and I went swimming in a pool in a friend's building. It was our first time there (and we were the only swimmers). At each end of the pool was the number 4 on a tile, indicating the depth in feet. I told Elisabeth that we were going to swim to the 4. So we swam to one end, and then back to the 4 on the other end. When it was nearly time to get out, Elisabeth said,

"We'll go to the 4 and then to the 3."

I was a bit puzzled as I couldn't see a 3 anywhere. But knowing that she is more observant than I am, I waited to find out what she was talking about. When we got out of the pool, I saw that there was indeed a 3 tile on the hot tub, indicating its depth. It had been out of view the entire time that we had been in the pool. Apparently Elisabeth had seen and noticed it as we were walking across the pool deck to get into the pool. I wish I was as observant as she is!

Our little scientist

Elisabeth used a magnifying glass and flashlight to examine this artificial tree!

You didn't give Bob a hug!

This week we had dinner with some friends at their home. When we got back to our apartment, we went through Elisabeth's bedtime routine, and I went into her room to pray with her before she went to sleep. As is usually the case, her little mind starts racing about how to delay bedtime. This time, her ploy was to start a conversation. When we finished praying, she said,

"You didn't give Bob a hug!"

In our farewells, Rebecca had given hugs to both our host and hostess, and I had hugged our hostess and shaken our host's hand. Elisabeth, the keen observer of culture noticed it - and was upset. Nothing escapes kids!

Natural and Logical Consequences

Recently I had an "Aha!" moment with regard to rewards. For some time I have been trying to sort out my feelings about rewards. What is their place? How do we keep them from being bribery? How do kids learn the intrinsic value of doing a thing?

I think the answers to some of these questions are bound up in the concepts of natural and logical consequences. A natural consequence is one that happens as the result of a child's thoughts, words or actions. For example, the natural consequence of a child running on a hardwood floor is slipping and falling. It is not the kind of thing that parent enforces. It is just what happens (and is the reason that we have rules about these sorts of things - to prevent accidents). A logical consequence is one enforced by a parent that has a sort of logical connection to the action. For example, if a child doesn't finish his homework, he can't watch television. In a logical consequence the parent presses the natural consequence. The consequences is deeply connected to the action. It has to do with using time responsibly, and thereby gaining leisure time. This is the consequence of which it is often said, "The punishment fits the crime."

How do natural and logical consequences bear on rewards? Logical consequences are both positive and negative. Elisabeth is well acquainted with one logical consequence: If she finishes her dinner, then she gets to eat dessert; if she doesn't finish her dinner then, she doesn't get dessert. She is learning that finishing one's task gains freedoms. The "reward" is a logical consequence. Likewise the logical consequence of putting one's shoes away immediately upon coming home is freedom to do other things rather than being summoned to put the shoes away. The logical consequence of keeping one's room clean is having freedom to do other things with one's time.

What I'm driving at is that if the reward attached to an action has a logical connection to the action, it reinforces the intrinsic value of the action and provides motivation. Using extrinsic rewards (such as getting a candy for cleaning one's room) sends the message that the natural consequences of cleaning a room are not sufficient reason. A more logical consequence for cleaning one's room would be freedom to use the computer; one has discharged responsibilities, and now has gained leisure.

Why do I think that this is important? From my experience as a teacher, I believe that children (unconsciously) treat extrinsic rewards that are not logically connected to an action as bribery or payment for services rendered. The value of the action is actually demeaned through these kinds of rewards. A wonderful example of logical rewards in my elementary classroom was something called "center time" which consists of self-selected learning centers that included art projects, books on tape, computers etc. The reward for completing one's work well and quickly was the freedom to pursue their own interests in learning. The kids were motivated and the value of the work was affirmed.

Now I'm looking more closely at how I can develop more logical rewards at home for Elisabeth.

Writing her name!

Yesterday Elisabeth wrote her name for the first time! She has been able to trace letters for some time, but hasn't had the patience to attempt freehand. Yesterday she was interested and had much more determination than I had expected. The picture on the right was her first attempt. (I modeled each letter, and then told her how to form it, but didn't touch her hand.) The one on the left was another attempt (in which the E is much better), but we only made it to the B.

Break, or Time out?

In our Sunday school class, we have been using a curriculum called Parenting is Heart Work. One of the many interesting recommendations that they make is to use a "break" instead of a "time out." They make this distinction: A time out is a punishment to be endured that has a set time frame; a break is an opportunity for a child to change his or her attitude and therefore does not have a set timeframe. A break, on their definition, functions like this:

A father tells his daughter to put on her shoes. She says, "No!" and stomps out of the room. The father addresses the situation by addressing the heart: "I see that you're upset. I think that you need to take a break to change your attitude. When you are ready, we need to have a conversation." Like a time out, the idea of a break is not for the child to go play games or watch TV. The break is in a place without those distractions where the child can think about her heart and her behavior. The child is responsible to stay in that place (or face further consequences) and then report back to the parent. If the child comes back still in a huff, she has to go back to the break until she can discard the attitude, admit she was wrong and ask forgiveness. Until the child comes to this point (changed attitude, admission of wrong and request of forgiveness) she doesn't get anything else. If she asks for something, the parent redirects the conversation to the problem at hand so that it can be resolved. Then the child understands that her attitude has broken the relationship; other things can't be had until the break is mended. What is at issue is not just the behavior that occurred, but the heart issue that precipitated it.

I really like the break concept in that it teaches children that discipline need not be punitive; rather it can be deeply restorative. Further, it shows them that behavior is just the tip of the iceberg. Finally, I like that it requires the child to be responsible for staying on the break, for thinking about her heart and actions, and for engaging in dialogue with the parent. I don't think that it is the "silver bullet" that makes parenting a breeze, but I do believe that it has a lot of merit.

Fall Flowers

We found fall flowers in beautiful bloom nearby, and Elisabeth checked them out.

Discarding one flotation device!

This week at swimming lessons Elisabeth did away with the foam noodle that she had been using for support under her arms. With a small foam float strapped to her back (and without holding onto Daddy!) she motored all over the pool!

It was a reminder to me of the importance of modeling. We arrived early for swim class and so Elisabeth watched a 3-year-old in a private lesson who had the float on her back and was swimming without the noodle. I think she saw her and realized, "I can do that!" And she did.

Another great book list

My sister-in-law put me onto two more great list of books to carry to the library: the Coretta Scott King Award list, and the related John Steptoe Award for new talent.

Since neither of these are available as pdfs, the best way to carry them electronically is using Avantgo.com, and making a custom channel.

Electronic Caldecott List

After carrying a paper list of the Caldecott Books, I've found a way to carry it that doesn't get thrashed in my backpack. Adobe offers a Portable PDF Reader that enables me to save this Caldecott List on my Palm (which I carry in my wallet, and so is always with me).

For others who use a Palm OS PDA, I highly recommend it.

On the Balance Beam

Elisabeth loves walking on "balance beams" and as a result is getting a much better sense of balance.

Speaking softly

Yesterday I was at church with Elisabeth. As I was getting the bicycle ready for us to leave, Elisabeth started walking toward the front door of the church. I told her not to go outside, and continued to get the bicycle ready.

I saw her continue toward the door, and was preturbed that she was seemingly disregarding my directive. Recently she has been doing much better at obeying the first time I speak, so I was surprised that she continued toward the door. I resisted my instinct to reprimand her, and instead followed her to confront her more directly and quietly.

I found Elisabeth standing out on the front step of the church with a little girl who was probably only 12 or 13 months old. Elisabeth was saying to her, "Stay here. Don't go outside," and keeping her from going down the steps. The front door of the church had been propped open for the custodian to carry out the trash, and the mother of the child was inside the building talking with someone else, and unaware that her child had wandered off. Elisabeth had good reason for going out the door even though I had told her not to - and I had good reason for restraining my tongue, particularly since Elisabeth has been showing more consistency in listening and obedience.

It reminded me that I need to be wise and patient in the way that I confront apparent disobedience and that I want to teach Elisabeth to be a responsible decision maker - like stopping a small child from going into the street, even when I had told her not to go outside.

Reading with Uncle Gordon

Elisabeth enjoyed a recent visit from Uncle Gordon. Among their many activities was a trip to the library.

Tuesday

I picked up Tuesday at the library because it was a Caldecott Medal book, but am not overly impressed. I know that the Medal is "awarded to the artist of the most distinguished American Picture Book for Children published in the United States during the preceding year," and clearly on this occasion the Medal was given for artistic quality and not accompanying literary quality. So, if you're looking for pictures, this book will catch your eye. If you're looking for great literature with great illustrations, check out The Man Who Walked Between Two Towers.

Numeration

Elisabeth's numeration skills have improved dramatically over the past few months. Formerly, when counting objects, she would continue to recite the numbers even after we ran out of objects. (Clearly she had the sense of progression, but not of value.) Now she knows to stop when we get to the last object, and that the number on which we end is the total number of objects. She can fairly successfully count objects up to ten, although she sometimes misses an object or double counts one.

What she doesn't yet have is a sense of what the numbers mean - beyond their value. A little illustration may make this plain. It is not unusual that Elisabeth wants the meal to be over before she has finished the food on her plate, so one of us will say to her, "You need to have three more bites," to which she replies,

"No! Four!"

Some things work to our advantage . . .

Love that smell

For a long time, Elisabeth thought that one smells by blowing out through the nose instead of inhaling. Although she has now figured out that it works better to inhale, she still makes some adorable faces when smelling.

You don't need a baby

Rebecca was talking on the phone with her sister about when we should have another child. Elisabeth overheard the conversation and interrupted:

"You don't need a baby. You have me . . . and I have Penny!"

She might say "no" or "no"

This afternoon we had guests in our home. While Rebecca and I were in the kitchen, Elisabeth was in the living room with our guests. She held a tootsie roll in her both hands and said,

"I don't know if Mommy will let me have this. She might say 'no' or 'no.'"

Manners

In the past week or so, Elisabeth has begun to say please with her requests without being reminded. (And the parents rejoiced!) Several times each day I find myself saying to Elisabeth, "I am so happy to hear you say please without being reminded!" It truly brings me delight.

But what is that delight? Is it that she uses a particular English word? No. What pleases me is the heart that the word represents. When we present a petition using "please" in English, it signifies that we are appealing to someone without the presumption that we ought to have what is asked. It is a polite way of pleading; it is not groveling, nor commanding, but a respectful way of request.

Yet I have learned in the last two years of Elisabeth's language development that she can very readily use the right words with the wrong attitude. She can say "please" with a plaintive, grating tone, or she can apologize with out a hint of remorse. Manners are far more than saying the right words; but they are not less.

We require of Elisabeth both words and tone of voice. If she speaks politely but forgets the polite word, we ask her to use it (which is finally paying off!) and if she uses the right words, but in a whiny voice, we likewise require her to change her tone before she receives what she asks (which is steadily improving as she learns that right words with a whiny tone doesn't work).

Manners matter because they reflect the heart.

Alphabet order

Last night we had dinner with some friends who also have a young child. They had letter tiles for their daughter, which Elisabeth thought was fantastic. She carried them up to our hostess and said,

"Let's put them in alphabet order."

Though she has had her letters and letter sounds down for quite a while now, I didn't realize that she had the concept of alphabetical order.

Christ for you and for me

Yesterday a friend emailed me this selection from Martin Luther. I love having frinds who send me treasures like this . . . instead of email forwards.

"Returning to the subject which we had begun, I think it is made clear by these considerations that it is not sufficient, nor a Christian course, to preach the works, life, and words of Christ in a historic manner, as facts which it suffices to know as an example how to frame our life, as do those who are now held the best preachers, and much less so to keep silence altogether on these things and to teach in their stead the laws of men and the decrees of the Fathers. There are now not a few persons who preach and read about Christ with the object of moving the human affections to sympathise with Christ, to indignation against the Jews, and other childing and womanish absurdities of that kind.

Now preaching ought to have the object of promoting faith in Him, so that He may not only be Christ, but a Christ for you and for me, and that what is said of Him, and what He is called, may work in us. And this faith is produced and is maintained by preaching why Christ came, what He has brought us and given to us, and to what profit and advantage He is to be received. This is done when the Christian liberty which we have from Christ Himself is rightly taught, and we are shown in what manner all we Christians are kings and priests [by faith, which brings union with Christ the Priest and King], and how we are lords of all things, and may be confident that whatever we do in the presence of God is acceptable and pleasing to Him.

Whose heart would not rejoice in its inmost core at hearing these things? Whose heart, on receiving so great a consolation, would not become sweet with the love of Christ, a love to which it can never attain by any laws or works? Who can injure such a heart, or make it afraid? If the consciousness of sin or the horror of death rush in upon it, it is prepared to hope in the Lord, and is fearless of such evils, and undisturbed, until it shall look down upon its enemies. For it believes that the righteousness of Christ is its own, and that its sin is no longer its own, but that of Christ; but, on account of its faith in Christ, all its sin must needs be swallowed up from before the face of the righteousness of Christ, as I have said above. It learns, too, with the Apostle, to scoff at death and sin, and to say, 'O death, where is thy sting? O grave, where is thy victory? The sting of death is sin, and the strength of sin is the law. But thanks be to God, which giveth us the victory through our Lord Jesus Christ' (1 Cor 15:55-57). For death is swallowed up in victory, not only the victory of Christ, but ours also, since by faith it becomes ours, and in it we too conquer."
[The full text can be found at Project Wittenberg (http://www.ctsfw.edu/etext/luther/freedom/), or in John Dillenberger's Martin Luther : Selections From His Writings.]

What I think Luther captures beautifully is that Christ is "for you and for me." We proclaim not mere historical facts, but we proclaim Christ. The news is received personally as the work of Christ for that person by faith, not mere "facts which it suffices to know as an example how to frame our life." At the heart of the proclamation is a personal, real connection to and fellowship with the King who reigns over all things. Luther is right on: "Who can injure such a heart [joined to Christ], or make it afraid?"

My throat is not feeling well

While working in the living room, I heard a little voice from the kitchen say,

"My throat is not feeling well. I have bad breath."

I had a hunch what was going on, and walked into the kitchen to have my suspicions confirmed. Elisabeth had a Breath Saver mint about two centimeters from her mouth. To her credit, I don't think she was going to eat it without permission, but she was seriously rationlizing her need for a Breath Saver!

Bathtime

I get excited when Elisabeth takes developmental steps forward. One long-awaited step has been being able to rinse her hair in the bath without much fussing and tears. For a long time Elisabeth has been afraid of rinsing her hair. So we tried a bath visor (which worked intermittently) and rinsing with a washcloth (which satisfied her but did a miserable job of getting the shampoo out).

Now in her last two baths, Elisabeth has been able to lie on her back and look up at the ceiling (without screaming and writhing) so that I can pour water over her hair without getting it in her eyes!

I hope this pattern continues, because it is a massive step forward for her in overcoming fear - and for us in happy bathtimes.

The swimmer

Today Elisabeth took huge strokes forward in swimming. On the first week (in late September) she was afraid to get in the water at all. Today she was motoring around the pool all by herself! She had a float pack on her back, and a "noodle" under her arms - and she swam quite literally all over the pool . . . without holding Daddy's hand! When it came time to jump in from the side, she didn't have to hold my hands in order to jump. She jumped right into my arms and made a tremendous splash! It is amazing the progress that she has made in one month. (I'm an optimistic dad, and I didn't think she'd get this much confidence in so short a time.)

Climbing

Elisabeth enjoyed the warm weather today with some climbing.

The Snowy Day

I have to admit that I only learned this week that The Snowy Day is a Caldecott Medal book. (We have the board book, and it doesn't have the Caldecott symbol on the cover. I turned it over to read the blurb on the back, and there it said that the book had won a Caldecott.) It prompted me to look more closely at the illustrations, and to realize just how unique and good the book is.

If memory serves me correctly, The Snowy Day was one of the first children's books (or perhaps pictures books?) published in this country that had a black boy as the protagonist. As such, I think it is an important book (not to mention an enjoyable one) because it set a precedent for using literature to put forth positive norms for young black boys.

Having taught in a public school where virtually all of my students were black, I have a special tenderness for black boys - especially the "bad" ones. And so I especially love books that provide good role models - not just for children generally, but for black children. For a black child to read a story about a white protagonist is analogous to a white child reading a book in which the protagonist is a Mongolian child. The protagonist is of a different race and culture. One can admire the other, but can't as readily identify with that person.

Soon I'll post on The Story of Ruby Bridges, which is far and away my favorite non-fiction children's picture book (in which the protagonist is a black girl).

So if you know of excellent children's literature with young black protagonists, please add them to the comments here!

A new set of wheels

Pop-pop (Elisabeth's grandpa) gave her a two-wheeler with training wheels at the beginning of the summer. Sadly, it was stolen. Pop-pop, undeterred, found a used bike that was being discarded. He fixed it up (and added streamers) and brought it to Elisabeth today. So she's rolling again!

Roasted Fall Vegetables

We've tried this recipe a couple of times now (and again tonight), and it is delicious and healthy!

You must say

Today Pop-pop came to visit Elisabeth (and to bring her a bicycle that he refurbished after her previous one was stolen). While they were sitting together on the couch reading a book, he asked Elisabeth, "Can I have a hug?" Elisabeth replied,

"You must say: 'May I please have a hug . . . in Spanish!'"

Even we don't make her ask in Spanish!

Wearing the kid-pack

Usually I'm the one wearing Elisabeth, but recently she decided that she fit just as well in the harness as in the carrier. She snapped herself in, and was even able to get it off the ground! 

Turning the tables

The question with which I am wrestling [...] is this: As people who are part of modern Western culture, with its confidence in the validity of its scientific methods, how can we move from the place where we explain the gospel in terms of our modern scientific worldview to the place where we explain the modern scientific worldview from the point of view of the gospel?
(Weston, Paul. ed. "Lesslie Newbigin: Missionary Theologian." Grand Rapids, MI: Eerdmans. 2006 p199)

That this question is so rarely asked is strong evidence that in many ways our thought, even about proclamation, is shaped far more by our culture than by the gospel. That Newbigin asks it so clearly and forcefully is a good indicator that he was on the pursuit of a truly missionary encounter with Western culture that had the gospel as its foundation - and we would do well to learn from him.

Lilly's Big Day

In order to learn how to be a flower girl for Aunt Kate's wedding, Elisabeth was given this book. In it Lilly is obsessed with being a flower girl for her teacher's wedding.

In characteristic form, Henkes does a brilliant job of highlighting Lilly's childlike qualities, and her parents' characteristic responses. Lilly is truly delightful.

Although in some of his books, I feel like the end falls a bit flat (even though the characters are rich, and well-rounded), Lilly's Big Day has a very clever ending that leaves a smile on my face every time. Lilly's Big Day is a great introduction to Kevin Henkes!

Hat and Gloves

We're coming to that time of year that going to the playground is still fun, but requires that we come prepared. Thankfully, since Elisabeth is OK with fingered gloves now, climbing on the equipment will be much easier than it was with mittens.