A flattering mouth works ruin

"A lying tongue hates its victims,
and a flattering mouth works ruin" (Proverbs 26:28).

It is very tempting to flatter one's own child. In fact, our culture actively teaches us to do it; we are told that it is important for the development of healthy self-esteem. Yet flattery is ruinous to our children because it leads our children away from the Gospel rather than to it. It exaggerates their greatness, which does not honor the truth, and deceives them about their own abilities.

The Gospel does anything but flatter us. It tells us that we are sick, not healthy; and sinners, not righteous. It reveals a Savior who heals the sick and forgives sinners, and who is stern with hypocrites and the self-assured. If we love our children, we will tell them the truth about themselves, and the truth about Christ. He is worthy, and we are unworthy. He love us, not because He sees something remarkable in us, but because He is magnificent in mercy. He has given us skills, abilities, and natural beauty that are to be enjoyed and celebrated - as long as that celebration and enjoyment turns our eyes back to the Giver of those gifts. If the celebration terminates on the recipient God is not honored, and the child is not truly built up. With flattery, the child grows proud when she ought to grow humble. She becomes self-reliant when she should be learning to trust Christ.

Am I saying that we are not to praise our children? No; not at all. We ought to praise them appropriately. What is most praiseworthy in a child? Simple, humble, trusting obedience to Christ, and under Christ to parents and other authorities. If we excel in praising (not flattering!) our children for these qualities, then they will see the Gospel: that our joy is in Christ being all in all.

If we praise them most for their physical appearance (or academic excellence, or sports prowess, or whatever), they will infer (quite rightly) that this is what we value most. If we flatter them, they will learn that our mouths are filled with lies, because they can clearly see that the words are not proportioned to their objects. If what more often spills from our mouths is praise for repentance, kindness, mercy, love and patience, our kids will see that this is truly what is most valuable.

The children of Christian parents will inevitably see one of two things: integrity, as parents commend, extol and encourage truly Christian virtues; or hypocrisy, as we profess belief in the Gospel, but care more about appearance, achievement, status, or something else. In refraining from flattery, and praising what is truly most worthy in our children, they will be pointed to Christ.