The Break

In the past few weeks I have needed to repent of lax parenting. I slipped into the habit of repeating myself, which I think is a terrible habit. Elisabeth also had several melt-downs, prompting me to be more intentional about using the Break. I scoured the National Council for Biblical Parenting website to see if I could find their description of "the Break" to no avail. So I am going to post here extensive excerpts from Home Improvement by Scott Turansky and Joanne Miller because I have found their "break" so useful.

Summary of a Break (p. 71)
1. Quickly begin the Break after misbehavior
2. Stay calm
3. State the offense and the directive
4. Choose an appropriate Break location
5. Ignore protests, excuses and tantrums
6. Don't take no for an answer
7. Don't talk to a child who is in a Break
8. Allow enough time for a Break

"A Break prepares a child to receive correction, understand the consequences of misbehavior, and be willing to change." (p. 62)

How to Use a Break
Quickly begin the break after misbehavior . . . remove the child from the situation or activity immediately following misbehavior. You might simply say, "Tyler, that was unkind. Take a Break in the doorway here, and come and see me when you're ready to talk about this," or, "Sara, that attitude is not helpful. You need to take a Break on that blue chair until you settle down and are ready to talk with me." [The point of the Break is for the child to be stationary and undistracted so she or he can think about the offense and adopt a repentant attitude before having a conversation with a parent about the offense.]

Stay Calm
A parent's emotions can turn a discipline time into a volatile argument. It's important for you to remain calm and matter of fact as you progress through the process. This allows the child to focus on the offense instead of on parental anger.

State the Offense and the Directive
Clarify for your child why he's taking a Break. For example, "Hitting is not the way to solve that problem. You need to take a Break. . . ."

Choose an appropriate Break location
The best location for a Break is a place away from any activity or stimulation. The bottom step, the hallway floor, or a chair in a quiet room might be appropriate. The actual place isn't as important as the time set aside to change the heart. Some parents send their children to their rooms. Although this may be helpful, for many children, going to their rooms is like a trip to an amusement park. Toys, computers or other activities easily distract children from the primary purpose of a Break. It's best to choose a boring place where a child can think and is then motivated to return to the parent. A Break place may change depending on your unique situation, but the concept remains the same: the child is sent on a mission to change his or her heart.

Ignore protests, excuses and tantrums
Some children resist taking a Break and taunt parents into a battle. An angry child wants company and pushes a parent's buttons to invite the parent into a fight. Refuse to join the anger party. Instead, ignore the tantrum and simply say, "We'll talk about it after you take a Break." Don't be distracted by excuses. Children often want to engage you in an argument. A discussion will happen at the end of the Break, but first the child must settle down, change the heart, and be ready to work with the parent.

Don't take 'No' for an answer
If a young child refuses to take a Break, pick him up, gently put him there and say, "You need to obey." You may even hold a child in your lap in the Break to teach this new routine. Simply say, "When you stop fighting me, I'll release my hold." When the child does settle down on your lap, then right away have him sit in the Break alone...

Don't talk to a child who is in a break
When a child returns from the Break you'll have a dialogue about the problem and a different solution. But while the child is in the Break, don't get sucked into a dialogue. The child's mission in the Break is to change the heart.

Allow enough time for a break
The child is told to come back when . . . calm and ready to talk about the problem. A Break allows the child, under the parent's guidance, to determine when to come back. The length of time a child chooses to stay in a Break is flexible, relating to his or her needs. The only prerequisite for coming out of the Break is that the child is willing to work through the repentance process. He or she may be ready to change but not know what right behavior to do next time . . . repentance is a condition of the heart. Once the child has begun this change, the parent can help the child learn what was wrong and recognize a more appropriate response.

Young children or those just learning how to take a Break may find it difficult to identify what they did wrong, why it was wrong or even how to think about the separation. Other children aren't even ready to think because they're too caught up in their emotions. In situations like these, the purpose of a Break is simply to allow the child to settle down and then return to the parent for a teaching time . . . because of stubbornness, a change of heart may take longer - twenty minutes or several hours. Either way, encourage the child to initiate the return.

It's important for the child to determine the length of time spent in a Break because it's hard for a parent to anticipate when a child is ready to return or when repentance has taken place . . . How will you know when to end a Break? Some children take longer to change their hearts than others. Sometimes children may only settle down while they are alone. Then they can come back and process other steps with the parent. Other times children . . . can make significant heart changes during a Break . . . Sometimes children return before they are ready, or defiantly move out of the places where they were told to sit. They just want to get out of the Break and regain their freedom. In this case, you may have to say, "No, I can tell you're not ready yet by your posture and attitude. It looks like you need to stay in the Break longer." Your responsibility is to teach your child to obey. You must "win" during these situations in order to make a Break an effective tool for discipline.

Remember the goal:
...Children who are upset may respond with a bad attitude when told to take a Break. Stomping feet and slamming doors on the way to a Break must be confronted. When the child returns from a Break, first deal with the initial offense . . . then give him or her another Break for the continuing bad attitude. You may something like, "I'm glad we worked out the problem with your fighting with your brother. I think you're ready to play with him nicely. But before you go, we must deal with another problem. I was disappointed that you had a bad attitude when I told you to take a Break. So I want you to take another Break because of that bad attitude. You don't have to stay there long, but I'd like you to show me that you can take a Break with a good attitude." Then have the child practice walking to the Break. When he or she returns, talk about the stomping and slamming and what a good response to correction looks like. (pgs. 62-67)

I love this method for a number of reasons:

1. It is disciplinary, not punitive.
2. It gives the child responsibility for changing attitude.
3. The child experiences separation as a result of disobedience (a great practical picture of how sin separates us from fellowship with God)
4. It allows the child time to repent.
5. It addresses the heart, and not merely the behavior.
6. It requires genuine two-way communication.
7. It does not accept the right words without the right attitude.
8. A teacher, nanny or babysitter can use it just as consistently as a parent.

However, I would classify the Turansky/Miller Break as consistent with "wise parenting" rather than Gospel parenting. I think that the discipline process is significantly enriched by impressing the truths of the Gospel in each Break:

• Sin is not just against people but against God.
• Sin requires not only repentance but forgiveness.
• Jesus offers both forgiveness and power for repentance.
• We receive forgiveness and power by obeying and trusting Jesus.
  

I highly recommend this modified version of the Break. The discipline process and presentation of the truths of the Gospel naturally lead to prayer in each encounter because I need grace and wisdom to parent well, and Elisabeth needs grace to obey.