Don't repeat yourself
If there is a rule of good parenting that I find hard to do, it is not repeating myself. I am tempted to remind Elisabeth rather than expecting her to listen and obey. I am tempted to warn [i.e. not require obedience the first time] rather than acting.
Recently I have begun to see the good fruit of insisting on obedience imediately. On a couple of occasions, Elisabeth has been running or walking by herself (not holding my hand) as we approached an intersection. When I say, "Stop," she stops. O how I thank God for that, that my heart doesn't have to leap into my throat every time, wondering whether or not she will obey.
I find it hard to speak once, but the rewards are tremendous.
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4 comments:
But then what do you do (did you do) if Elizabeth wouldn't listen the first time?
I was hoping someone would ask! For young toddlers (12-18 months) it is as simple as physically making them perform the action you are requiring.
So if I said, "Pick up the block before you take out another," and she didn't comply, it meant getting up from wherever I was, going to her, moving her little hand down the block for her to pick it up, and then directing her had to wherever she needed to put it. That kind of action made clear that asking once was enough, and that the action was required, not optional. (It worked better than I expected!)
For older toddlers with more language (18 months +) the same physical direction can be used, but it must diminish with time so that the child learns that it is her own responsibility to do what she has been told.
As the child's language develops, the parent is responsible for establishing in the child a clear sense of action and consequence. There must be clear and understood consequence for not obeying after the first time. (In all honesty, in order to teach kids this, it functions like a warning until it is clear that the child understands action and consequence. When Elisabeth disobeys, I ask, "Do you know what the consequence is?" So I'm not repeating the command, but I am speaking twice - for a season, until it is engrained in her mind.)
Has Elisabeth ever thrown tantrums? What do you do with a strong-willed child?
Yes, Elisabeth has thrown tantrums. And like most toddlers, she picks the most inconvenient places for them. :)
Elisabeth knows the the consequence for a tantrum is a spanking. If she starts to slip into a tantrum, I remind her of the consequence. I try to hold here to doing it only once, so that it is not a series of meaningless warnings. There are two outcomes:
1. Usually, because experience tells her that Daddy is serious, she is able to pull herself out of it and use words to express what she needs. I then require three things: (1) She must apologize for the tantrum, (2) She must verbalize without even a hint of a whine, what is frustrating her, and (3) She must accept my decision, whatever it is. If her request is reasonable, and she has stopped fussing entirely, and she has apologized, I try to answer her request with some sort of built-in delay. That way she understands that words work, but that if she had used words only (and not slipped into a tantrum) she would have gotten it quickly.
2. Sometimes Elisabeth can't pull herself out of it. This virtually only happens when she is overtired, and then I am well aware that my job as a parent is be consistent and merciful. I try to quickly remove her to a quiet place where she is neither overstimulated, nor acting for an audience. Instead of requiring her to express so much in words, I am much more verbal. I tell her that I understand her feelings, that I want to help. Often I will actively turn her focus away from whatever was frustrating her to something to soothe her. That way I'm not giving in to her tantrum, and her tired little mind is taken off its source of grief. Usually that works. I will readily admit that I am least consistent in consequences with an overtired child because in my experience she is less likely to internalize and learn from it when she is already hysterical. She is not able to name her offense, apologize for it, or express what she should have done - so 75% of the discipline process is lacking. If she is not overtired, and continues her tantrum, we go to a quiet place where we follow Ted Tripp's discipline model:
1. Elisabeth must name her sinful action.
2. She must apologize. "I'm sorry Daddy for ____."
3. The consequence is administered.
4. We pray together - for Daddy to be wise, loving and consistent, and for Elisabeth to receive the help of the Holy Spirit to obey.
Wow. That was a long answer to a short question.
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