Discipline pays dividends

Tonight I had a conversation with a friend in which he asked me, "Are you still enjoying fatherhood?" My answer was an emphatic yes.

I've been particularly conscious lately of just how worthwhile the difficult discipline of the second and third years has been. Now when I give Elisabeth a direction, I know that she will do it without the directive being repeated. When she disobeys, she knows that the way out is confession and repentance. It is the exception, rather than the rule, to hear a request not accompanied by please. And when she comes to me with a complaint about another child, I know that she has already tried to talk with the other child about it. All those things make fathering a delight.

So when we go to the playground and I see parents frustrated that their four-year-olds (not to mention the older kids) won't listen to them, I am all the more convinced that setting and enforcing clear expectations early has made parenting a joy for us, and has allowed Elisabeth to blossom.

True fathers

I have finally come to that part of the City of God where Augustine treats the life of the family within the city of God. Here he treats the responsibility of fathers in evangelism and discipline:

But those who are true fathers of their households desire and endeavor that all the members of their household, equally with their own children, should worship and win God, and should come to that heavenly home in which the duty of ruling men is no longer necessary, because the duty of caring for their everlasting happiness has also ceased; but until they reach that home, masters ought to feel their position of authority a greater burden than servants in their house. And if any member of the family interrupts the domestic peace by disobedience, he is corrected either by word or blow, or some other kind of just and legitimate punishment, such as society permits, that he may himself be the better for it, and be readjusted to the family harmony from which had dislocated himself. For as it is not benevolent to give a man help at the expense of some greater benefit he might receive, so it is not innocent to spare a man at the risk of his falling into graver sin. To be innocent, we must not only do harm to no man, but also restrain him from sin or punish his sin, so that either the man himself who is punished may profit by his experience, or others be warned by his example. (Augustine City of God p695)

The great responsibility of the father is to seek that his family may worship and win God (by grace through faith), and become citizens of the eternal city. It is to that end that he disciplines: to restrain those in his household from sin, to warn others by example, and to spare them from falling into graver sin. He rightly sees that disobedience 'dislocates' the offender from the harmony of the family and must be 'readjusted to the family' through appropriate correction. Discipline is not penal (although he does use the word punishment), but corrective and restorative "that the man himself who is punished may profit by his experience" not just as a citizen of this earthly city, but as a citizen of the eternal city.

The family of the just man who lives by faith

But in the family of the just man who lives by faith and is as yet a pilgrim journeying on to the celestial city, even those who rule serve those whom they seem to command; for they rule not from a love of power, but from a sense of the duty they owe to others - not because they are proud of authority, but because they love mercy (Augustine, City of God p693)

To live by faith as a father is to "serve those whom they seem to command." I would interpret Augustine's "duty they owe to others" to be the debt of love, not an obligation of service. The great responsibility of a father is to live as a pilgrim, serving his family, and doing all within his power to see that his household love God.

Fathering like Job

At the beginning of the book of Job, the author provides a mere five verses of background on Job before presenting the other players in the plot, and commencing the storyline of the book. Job is described as "blameless and upright, one who feared God and turned away from evil . . ." (1:1). The only illustration that the author provides to show the uprightness of this man is his habit regarding the feasts that his sons held for all his children.

And when the days of the feast had run their course, Job would send and consecrate them, and he would rise early in the morning and offer burnt offerings according to the number of them all. For Job said, “It may be that my children have sinned, and cursed God in their hearts.” Thus Job did continually. (1:5)

The trait that the Biblical author presents as outstanding concerning the man of whom the LORD says, "there is none like him on the earth" (1:8), is intercession for his children. Job was jealous that any sin that his children had committed - even in their hearts - should be atoned for. He didn't say, "They're grown up now, and responsible for themselves." Instead, he interceded for them, and, "This he did continually."

I want to learn to be a father like Job, with that kind of yearning for my children's sin to be forgiven. Whereas Job offered sacrifices and offerings for atonement, we have the privilege of asking that the atonement that Jesus worked on the cross be applied to our children - and not just for sins committed on the previous day, but for all of their sins.

Praying like this regularly cannot but incite us to pray for our children's conversion, in which there is forgiveness of sins. Yet it just as strongly calls us to pray for our children's perseverance, because we know personally the deceitfulness of sin.

I am coming to realize that this is why the Gospel remains central in parenting. It is not merely the means by which our children receive forgiveness (although it is not less than that); the Gospel is that by which they (and we!) receive forgiveness each time we sin against our holy God. Thus we have even more reason that Job to pray daily for our children, because we have confidence in better promises to be applied to our same needy condition (Hebrews 8:6).

O that God would make me a Job-like father!

Charlotte Mason

In my forays into education, I have stumbled across the name Charlotte Mason several times. Most recently, my sister-in-law pointed me to a blog that posts each day a selection from her writings.

I think that I am going to be an avid reader. From my appraisal so far, she appears to approach discipline much like Ted Tripp, in that obedience is central and not optional.

Law Ensures Liberty.––The children who are trained to perfect obedience may be trusted with a good deal of liberty: they receive a few directions which they know they must not disobey; and for the rest, they are left to learn how to direct their own actions, even at the cost of some small mishaps; and are not pestered with a perpetual fire of ‘Do this’ and ‘Don’t do that!’ (source)

Moreover, she sees discipline and education as intricately intertwined, which dovetails nicely with my inclination to classical education.

However, even a cursory glance at her reading will reveal that she believes that discipline and education are the role of the mother. So, if you apprehend the same, and are offended, leave the offense there. I think she has much good to say for fathers who can read her wisdom for mothers as being wise for both parents.

If you know of other good online resources for Mason's pedagogy, please share!

Mr. Mom?

I had someone recently ask me if I get a lot of cracks about being "Mr. Mom." He was quite surprised that I rarely get Mr. Mom jokes. More often, I have friends say to me, "I wish I could do that," or "I wish my dad had done that," or "My dad was home a lot with me, and I am so thankful for those times."

In so many ways I am grateful. I'm grateful to be able to spend this time with Elisabeth, and I'm grateful for so many people who see the value of active parenting rather than ridiculing it. I'm also thankful that many are beginning to see that parenting is not just a mother's role.

I have to admit, I think that I get many questions that a full-time mom doesn't get, just because I'm male. People look at me a bit incredulously, yet have no such incredulity for a mom who does the same things. I think that in that way, I have a slightly different perspective into the double standard that is applied to full-time fathers and full-time mothers . . . and I don't think that I'm the one getting the short end of the stick.

Mister Seahorse

I am not an Eric Carle groupie. I think that he is a very good painter, and that some of his books have literary value (which other books lack altogether, in my opinion).

However, I am intrigued by Mister Seahorse scientifically, sociologically and artistically. Through literature and watercolor, Carle surveys a number of aquatic animals in which the father carries or otherwise protects the eggs, rather than the mother.

It intrigues me scientifically, because the obvious norm is that either the mother lays the eggs on a bed, or keeps them contained within her body until they are ready to hatch. I must say that Carle educated me in the course of the book. Yet I am no less drawn in sociologically by what Carle is saying in choosing these underwater fathers as the theme of his book. Clearly his interest extends beyond sea creatures, and understandably my interest is piqued as a full time father.

I wouldn't put this book on my list of great literature, but it certainly is fascinating to a father on many levels.

Fathering

To this point, I have reflected on parenting without differentiating much between the role of father and mother. I am aware that there are many gender differences in parenting that distinguish mothering from fathering.

I don't have fully formed ideas yet of what this means, and I have read enough "Christian" articles on the subject to know that I'm after something that is faithful to the Biblical picture of reality - and not merely one cultural manifestation. So I want to reflect on Scripture and experience (without taking my experience as normative) in order to better understand parenting, and particularly, fathering.

I'd welcome your input along the way (particularly from those outside the US) on how God has designed parents to function together as distinct and complementary.