Perseverance
Two nights ago Elisabeth didn't want to finish her dinner. She had four bites remaining of scrambled eggs with peppers, and she was convinced that she wouldn't eat them. So when Rebecca and I were finished eating, we cleared the table and went to the kitchen to do the dishes while Elisabeth remained at the table to finish her dinner. Initially there were plaintive calls:
"I don't want to eat! I'm not going to finish!"And then there was silence, from which I concluded that she'd probably realized that she'd better just finish up so that she could be excused from the table. That lasted for about 20 minutes, but all of her eggs remained on her plate.
Seeing that her cries and silence hadn't worked, Elisabeth tried getting out of her seat to plead with us to see things her way. It didn't work as she had planned: she was put back in her seat to finish her meal. Meanwhile we continued on with the rest of our evening routine, packing lunches for the morning, tidying up, and even sitting down to read.
I think the fact that life went on while she was supposed to be finishing her dinner made it even harder for Elisabeth, and after about an hour, she was reduced to tears. (I'll give her the benefit of the doubt. I don't think it was all drama she was putting on; I think some of it was real over-tiredness.) Finally, after over two hours of trying every evasion mechanism she knew, Elisabeth changed her mind. I had insisted not only that she eat the rest of her dinner, but that she do it on her own strength, as I don't believe that a 3 year old needs to be fed like a baby when she is disinclined to eat. Perhaps because her energy was spent, or perhaps because the eggs really were good, she fed herself the last four bites, and was at last excused from the table!
I think that I learned a couple of lessons from the encounter:
- Perseverance. The price of not persevering is compromising my word.
- Responsibility. This was not about food. (Four bites of egg isn't going to make or break my child.) It was about finishing a job that she had been given: in this case, eating delicious food. Consequently, feeding her (so she didn't have to do it) would not have accomplished the aim.
- Reconciliation. It was stunning to me how Elisabeth's demeanor changed when she finished her food. For two hours she had been sulking, whining and otherwise trying to get out of eating her food. Yet when she finished, she intuitively knew that she was restored to the family. In her bedtime routine, there wasn't even a hint that she had spent the past two hours resisting obedience.
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4 comments:
I'm curious as to your rational about making whether or not Elisabeth finishes her meal an obedience issue. Most of what I have read advises not to make a child finish their food, but just to trust them to eat until they are full, then stop.
By the way, here are two links found on the American Academy of Pediatrics website that have info and both say 1) not to make a child clean their plate or eat "just a couple more bites" and 2) not to say "you can't have dessert until you finish your food. I don't know how to make them into links, so just cut and paste.
http://www.healthychildcare.org/caregiverenewsApr07.cfm
http://www.healthychild.net/articles/na18picky.html
Thanks, anonymous, for your question, and for the links.
I think that both articles raise legitimate concerns about childhood and later life obesity, and rightly note that children must learn to self-regulate so that they stop eating at appropriate times.
To answer your question: What is my rationale for making this an obedience issue? Elisabeth has a habit of eating little at meals and then asking for snacks shortly after leaving the table - which is directly related to how much she eats at dinner. So my decision in this case was a judgment call based on her history, how much she had eaten at this meal and the amount of remaining food. (I wouldn't have made the same call if those variables had been different.)
As I've thought about it, I think that there is a wise way to address the concerns you've raised, while setting and maintaining clear expectations of a clean plate. If a child understands that she or he needs to have some of everything that is offered (something I am deeply grateful my parents taught me), and to serve herself or himself an appropriate amount, then the child can be expected to have a "clean plate." The child is effectively learning responsibility on both ends: choosing appropriate portions, and finishing what she has begun.
If my experience of human nature is any indicator, a child will not be slow to learn to take moderate portions and then ask for seconds rather than loading his or her plate. Thus, long term obesity is not a serious risk.
I think that this addresses the concerns about forcing a child to eat while also meeting my two expectations: that the child try some of everything, and that she finish everything on her plate.
I think part of it too is the kind of food and the quantity served. Wholesome, healthy foods are rarely the kinds that kids crave and get obese on, which seems to be the primary concern. Now if she had a solid diet of Twinkies, hot dogs, and McDonalds, forcing her to clean her plate would be a different story. But that's just my thought.
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