A soft tongue

"With patience a ruler may be persuaded,
and a soft tongue will break a bone." (Proverbs 25:15)

O what a joy it is to teach our children persuasion! I am convinced that persuasion is taught explicitly and implicitly, by instruction and by example. Actively teaching persuasion guards children from becoming manipulative, annoying or downtrodden by showing them how to press a case with reasonable and gentle argumentation. Perhaps most importantly in teaching persuasion, a child just learn to discern when to press, and when to let off - in order to make their case most compellingly.

How to explicitly teach persuasion
Any time a child makes a request (which with Elisabeth is dozens of times a day) is an opportunity to teach persuasion. Debriefing the request (briefly) and insisting upon proper form communicate clearly what the parent both desires, and expects:
1. State the request clearly.
2. Provide reason(s) for the request.
3. Use a respectful tone of voice.
4. Make the request at a proper time and for an appropriate time: (a) when you have complied with whatever was asked of you; (b) when the parent has time/ability to grant the request.
5. Don't repeat yourself.
6. Listen for the other person's reason for accepting or declining your request, so next time you know how to frame your persuasion.
For example, if Elisabeth asks to do painting while we are eating lunch, we could very quickly debrief like this. "Thank you, sweetie, for clearly and respectfully asking to paint without badgering me. Right now we're eating lunch, so when would be a good time to paint?" Through that little interchange, Elisabeth is clearly hearing what I expect so next time she can repeat all the parts she did well AND specify the time that she wants to paint. If Elisabeth doesn't speak respectfully, or makes a request while delaying in obedience (i.e. disobeying), I clearly tell her that I cannot grant her request and explain why: "You used a whiny voice," or "You didn't start putting the toys away when I asked you to." If parents and caregivers are consistent in requiring proper request, kids learn remarkably quickly the protocols of persuasion.

How to implicitly teach persuasion
Modeling this kind of persuasion with other adults and with children is just as important as teaching the elements of a persuasive request. On a daily basis Elisabeth observes my interactions with other people, and can see to what degree I practice what I preach - and she'll learn by experience that "With patience a ruler may be persuaded, and a soft tongue breaks a bone."

How important is environment?

As a Christian parent, I feel the great danger of thinking that creating the right environment for my child(ren) will cause them to persevere in the Christian life. I don't think that I am alone. There are many Christian parents who, thoughtfully or thoughtlessly, assume that their ability to form and develop their children in the Christian faith will determine their children's endurance.

So, how important is environment?
Environment is very important to the nurture of a child. A child who grows up in a family where the parents trust Christ with their lives, and make decisions based on the values of the Kingdom and the leading of the Holy Spirit are vastly better off than children whose parents make professions of faith, but in their lifestyles and choices are identical to their non-Christian neighbors. They are also vastly better off than children who know little or nothing of Christ. To grow up in a truly Christian home is a great privilege.

Is family nurture the deciding factor?
Is a good Christian family environment a sufficient condition to ensure that children persevere in trusting Christ? To affirm that it is sufficient would be bold-faced Pelagianism. Any theology of parenting founded on the Gospel must affirm that the Holy Spirit can and does use wise parenting in the conversion and maturing of children. Yet it must also affirm that the Holy Spirit is free and sovereign and is under no constraint to save anyone based on our performances. Our faithfulness does not necessitate His saving action in our children. Christian nurture in the home is vitally important, but is not decisive.

Doesn't that put parents in a hopeless condition?
Yes, in one sense it does. It is not within our power to create the conditions that guarantee our children will be saved. We must hear and believe that, if we are true to the Gospel. That very hopeless and helplessness is what pushes us to proper, and utter, dependence on Christ to save our children.

If we really believe that it is Christ who saves through the work of the Holy Spirit, and that the Holy Spirit delights to use that which honors the Son, then and only then will we be courageous in the kind of Christian parenting that trusts not in its own ability to parent, but in the power of Christ to work through us and in spite of us in the salvation of our children.

So where does it leave us?
Ultimately, a right view of the Gospel, and of Christ, presses us to faithfulness and prayer. We don't abandon faithfulness because it fails to guarantee our children's salvation. Rather we practice true faithfulness, in that we don't trust in the performance of these responsibilities, but in the One who graciously uses them in the salvation of people. The more clearly we see that, the more earnestly we will pray for Christ to act in saving our children, and in making us truly faithful to Him as parents.

A new camera

After three weeks wait for my camera to be cleaned, I received a call from the service company saying, "We're sorry that your camera could not be repaired. Please go to Best Buy, and they will issue you a replacement." You can imagine my puzzlement.

So I went to Best Buy and explained that I had sent my camera out for cleaning under the service contract, and had received this call, and didn't know what to do. They were just as baffled as I was, but didn't know what else to do but issue a new camera. So I have a new camera!

I knew that I liked Canon (having had 3 of them now), and was convinced that I didn't use the manual functions enough, or well enough, to justify getting another with all the manual settings. Three cameras had also taught me that camera size and shape do matter when everything going with you on an outing is going to be carried on your person. Lastly, I knew that an anti-reflective, scratch-resistant screen was a priority for me. Those criteria made the choice easy: Canon's SD750, their only slim camera with a scratch-resistant screen.

I took some snaps today, but Blogger's photo management is down right now, so pictures will start to appear again in the days to come!

Audio books

Elisabeth recently received Lilly's Big Day and other stories, an audio CD of 9 Kevin Henkes books. I am a huge fan of Kevin Henkes' mouse books - and these are nine of the best.

It has been a delightful surprise that Elisabeth has taken to listening to them as she goes to sleep. She knew all but one of the stories prior to hearing the CD, and so she enjoys listening to them each night - and we (usually) enjoy a peaceful transition from wakefulness to sleep.

Advertising: Pornography to the greedy soul

Shortly after Elisabeth was born, we decided to get rid of our television. One of the driving factors in that decision was exposure to advertising. I am convinced that advertising is to the greedy soul what pornography is to the lustful soul. It arouses and awakens inordinate desires.

Some good friends of ours limit the television that their children are allowed to watch. They related to us how after one half-hour show, their daughter came up to them saying, "I want this! I want that!" The advertisements sandwiched between the segments of the educational show had achieved their effect: she wanted the things they offered, and was ready to pester her parents for them.

Considering the way that my own soul responds to advertising, I don't think that this anecdote was an anomaly. Advertising appeals to our selfish nature just like pornography appeals to our lustful nature. It stirs up desire, while numbing us to it so that the deluge of it does not seem to be the flood that it really is.

Knowing that advertising acts on us in these ways is, I think, sufficient warrant for deliberately limiting our exposure to it, and being aware of our unavoidable encounters with it. Television is certainly not the only culprit. Magazines are packed with appeals to our greed, as are many websites. I think it is important to talk with kids about the way that advertising affects all of us, so that they can recognize when it affects them, and learn too to show self-control by imitating their parents, who have modeled that self-control and wisdom.

On the bicycle together

Today Elisabeth and I took a ride on my bicycle together for the first time this spring. On our trip, Elisabeth saw another cyclist without a child seat on his bike. She commented:

"There's another man on a bike. But he doesn't have a kid or a kid seat."
"You're right," I answered.
"Maybe he doesn't have a kid," she speculated.
"Maybe he doesn't."
"It's more fun to have a kid seat, because then we can talk to each other," she remarked.

I totally agree. Conversations on the bicycle are at least half the fun of riding.

The big bed

This picture was taken a year ago January and captures the transitions that have happened since then. At that time she was in the crib; she transitioned to the toddler bed that January; this week she has moved up to the loft bed, her "big bed." How quickly they grow!

Elisabeth's first musical composition

Elisabeth is not (yet) an overwhelmingly musical child. She enjoys music, but isn't one of those kids that frequently bursts into song (in tune) or sings her own songs.

So today was notable. To the best of my knowledge, today was her first original composition, to the tune of "I've been working on the railroad."

I don't want to wait for dinner!

I laughed and said that it expressed her disposition well. She quickly turned out a second line (also set to the first stanza of I've been working on the railroad):

I don't want to go to bed!

That's music from the heart!

Duties proportional to relief, not strength

The duties that God, in an ordinary way, requires at our hands are not proportioned to what strength we have in ourselves, but to what help and relief is laid up for us in Christ; and we are to address ourselves to the greatest performances with a settled persuasion that we have not ability for the least (John Owen Overcoming Sin and Temptation p154)

This is the kind of theology that must be taught from childhood. If a child understands early that what God requires from us is not proportionate to our strength, but to what is offered in Christ, then she will not try to do the duties in her own strength, but will learn to lean on Him for strength. How many children have been discouraged by Christian parents who never taught them this!

To teach our children this is to deny and refute the prevailing notions of our culture about self-esteem and self-confidence because we approach our greatest trials "with a settled persuasion that we have not ability for the least." Thus, we accept the Gospel as the starting place for parenting, rather than the prevailing (fickle) thought of our times.

[For the one who has read this far and says, "That's all well and good, but how do you communicate theology like this to a child?" your practical question is appropriate. I recite this truth to Elisabeth almost every time we have a discipline encounter because I strongly believe that this is the center of the Gospel, and why the Gospel defines how we ought to "do" parenting. After we have discussed the offense, she has admitted her fault, and we have talked about what to do differently next time, before we pray, I say it something like this, "Sweetie, neither of us can do what God tells us to do without His help. So now we're going to pray to ask for help for me to be a wise and loving Daddy, and for you to be an obedient and loving daughter." And then we do exactly that.]

We miss the sunshine

Our family enjoying sunshine in Atlanta. This is Elisabeth's first time on rollerskates.

Fathering like Job

At the beginning of the book of Job, the author provides a mere five verses of background on Job before presenting the other players in the plot, and commencing the storyline of the book. Job is described as "blameless and upright, one who feared God and turned away from evil . . ." (1:1). The only illustration that the author provides to show the uprightness of this man is his habit regarding the feasts that his sons held for all his children.

And when the days of the feast had run their course, Job would send and consecrate them, and he would rise early in the morning and offer burnt offerings according to the number of them all. For Job said, “It may be that my children have sinned, and cursed God in their hearts.” Thus Job did continually. (1:5)

The trait that the Biblical author presents as outstanding concerning the man of whom the LORD says, "there is none like him on the earth" (1:8), is intercession for his children. Job was jealous that any sin that his children had committed - even in their hearts - should be atoned for. He didn't say, "They're grown up now, and responsible for themselves." Instead, he interceded for them, and, "This he did continually."

I want to learn to be a father like Job, with that kind of yearning for my children's sin to be forgiven. Whereas Job offered sacrifices and offerings for atonement, we have the privilege of asking that the atonement that Jesus worked on the cross be applied to our children - and not just for sins committed on the previous day, but for all of their sins.

Praying like this regularly cannot but incite us to pray for our children's conversion, in which there is forgiveness of sins. Yet it just as strongly calls us to pray for our children's perseverance, because we know personally the deceitfulness of sin.

I am coming to realize that this is why the Gospel remains central in parenting. It is not merely the means by which our children receive forgiveness (although it is not less than that); the Gospel is that by which they (and we!) receive forgiveness each time we sin against our holy God. Thus we have even more reason that Job to pray daily for our children, because we have confidence in better promises to be applied to our same needy condition (Hebrews 8:6).

O that God would make me a Job-like father!

Better than hidden love

Better is open rebuke
than hidden love.
Faithful are the wounds of a friend;
profuse are the kisses of an enemy. (Proverbs 27:5-6)

There are two levels at which Christian parents need to teach the role of rebuke to their children.

First, children must understand that rebuke from a parent is an expression of love, saving them from danger. Since discipline is naturally painful, it is the responsibility of parents to explicitly teach children the purpose of discipline: to train them in righteousness.

For the moment all discipline seems painful rather than pleasant, but later it yields the peaceful fruit of righteousness to those who have been trained by it. (Hebrews 12:11)

Without this framework, a child will only understand rebuke and discipline as pain, shame and frustration. Within this framework, children will grow to respect their parents for rebuking and disciplining them (Hebrews 12:9).

Second, for children to develop healthy, authentic friendships, they must learn how to give appropriate rebuke, the kind of faithful wounds that friends give, - and how to spot the profuse kisses of an enemy. Judging by how rarely I see adults rebuke one another in ways that are gentle, loving and firm, I can only conclude that this is not a skill that comes naturally. Early childhood is the ideal time to actively teach appropriate rebuke. Children naturally come in conflict with other children and with adults; they will quite naturally employ whatever mechanism comes most readily to them, whether defensiveness, withdrawal, outbursts, name calling, or something else (quite like adults). These conflicts provide the occasion of teaching firm, gentle and kind rebuke.

For example, Elisabeth's natural response is tattling (in other words, immediately going to an authority figure). When we are on the playground, and another child snatches away one of her sand toys, her immediate reaction is to turn to me (and my natural tendency is to use my authority to resolve the situation, without teaching her). My responsibility as a parent is to teach Elisabeth to confront the child in a tone and manner that is kind and assertive. Intervening to resolve a conflict before she has appropriately confronted the other child does not, in the end, help. It merely short-circuits the learning process that ought to have happened.

I believe that perhaps the most important part of the learning process is debriefing, in which parent and child can talk about the confrontation. In the sandbox, I can say, "Well done," when she has spoken appropriately to the other child, and, "Thank you," to that child when he has come to an agreeable solution. The best debriefing (I have found) comes on the way home when I can ask the questions: "How did the boy respond to you when you asked him nicely to give your shovel back? Did you need to ask Daddy to help you? Why do you think he was ready to speak so nicely with you?" etc. These discussion are the place where the good habits of direct, calm and kind confrontation are developed and honed for next time.

All the while, Elisabeth is learning, by experience, that:

Whoever rebukes [another] will afterward find more favor
than he who flatters with his tongue. (Proverbs 28:23)

She found the brakes!

Today Elisabeth went bicycle riding for the first time this spring. She hadn't forgotten a thing over the winter, and has developed a lot more endurance. So today I tried to teach her how to use the brakes, which had been a lost cause on her in the fall when she was just getting the pedals going continuously in the right direction. To my surprise, she picked it up quickly (although I'm sure she'll need more practice to remember consistently) and used the brakes on almost all of the hills!

I'd post a picture . . . but I still don't have my camera back from Best Buy.

This looks like the old house

Yesterday Elisabeth and I went to help Pop-pop and Grandma move out of one house and into a new house. We took a train up to the old house, and I prepped Elisabeth by telling her that Grandma and Pop-pop were moving, and that we were going to help them.

Grandma picked us up at the train station and drove us to the old house where the move was already in process. Elisabeth and I went into a bedroom to take out the last few things from a closet. Elisabeth turned to me with a puzzled expression and said,

"This looks like the old house."

I guess that the absence of furniture made the house look different enough that it wasn't perfectly familiar - and so she thought that they were moving into a house very remarkably like the old one!

Excavating

Chatting with Anna Porter

I was full . . .

Not long ago during dinner, Elisabeth paused from eating her food and said:

"I was full, so I had to talk a little bit."

I really think that's the way it works in her mind: talking burns calories and makes room for more!

Cuddling with Granddaddy

Leek and potato galette

We tried out this recipe for Easter lunch, and it was excellent! I highly recommend it!

It takes a moderate amount of preparation time (which would be greatly reduced if you have a food processor to slice the potatoes), but is worth the effort.

Chocolate Ganache Tart

Rebecca made a superb chocolate ganache tart from Everyday Food this weekend.

It is certainly going to enter our regular rotation of fun desserts - and so it gets to appear here, so that I can remember it later when I'm stumped on what to make for a nice dessert.

(In the next few days, I'm going to post a lot of recipes that we have done in recent weeks, for next time we wonder what to make for dinner.)

Only one baby

On Easter Sunday, we had several guests join us for lunch after church, one of whom had not seen Elisabeth in a long time. Elisabeth and her friend Zoe were introduced to the guest this way, "Here are the two babies." Elisabeth quickly corrected the introduction:

"Only one baby!"

Reading with Grandmummy

Elisabeth had a wonderful visit from her grandparents (and uncle, and godparents), which made for a haitus in blogging, and a lot of fun for Elisabeth. So there will be many pictures, and posts, to follow . . .

Talk to him

Elisabeth had a play date at the playground last week. While she was playing in the sandbox with her friend, another child came up and started breaking down their sand castle. Elisabeth turned to me and said, "He's breaking our castle!" Before I replied, her friend's nanny said to Elisabeth, "Talk to him."

Elisabeth turned to the boy and said, "Don't do that. I don't like it when you do that." The boy looked surprised to have been addressed so directly and stopped.

Several more times during our time in the sandbox there were small conflicts that arose: a child would take away a shovel, or attempt to fill in their hole, or throw sand. Each time the nanny said to Elisabeth and her friend, "Talk to them."

In those encounters I saw how prone I am to mediate rather than teaching Elisabeth to solve problems by directly addressing her peers. The simple directive, "Talk to him," pushed Elisabeth to become a problem-solver rather than a problem-reporter. There was the distinct possibility that telling the other child that she did not appreciate what he was doing would not deter the other child; yet it remains the FIRST appropriate recourse for a child.

What a simple lesson I needed to re-learn!

Profile with starfish

Dying eggs with Grandma

Family Devotions

For some time now I have been thinking about family devotions. Our routine to this point has been to read Window on the World and The Big Picture Story Bible (and sometimes My First Book of Questions, depending on how tired she is) to Elisabeth at bedtime. It has been very valuable, and I think that all three books work well together.

My pondering has been when to make the transition from 'Bible before bed' to family devotions. When does it become a genuine family time of reading and prayer rather than a time targeted specifically for Elisabeth? My sense is that participating in family devotions is the context in which children see their parents model how to know and trust God.

Today in my devotions, I read Leviticus 6:1-7, and saw something that would give even a child as young as Elisabeth a glimpse of our need for forgiveness. The LORD is directing Moses in what to do when a person breaks faith with the Lord by deceiving, stealing, oppressing, or lying. Not only is the person required to restore whatever was stolen or defrauded with an additional 20% of the value "on the day that he realizes his guilt," but he must also bring a guilt offering to the LORD to make atonement for his sin, so that he may be forgiven. The text shows very clearly for a small child that merely restoring what is taken doesn't bring forgiveness. Restitution goes farther than the sin - and yet still there is need of atonement for forgiveness because sin is "breach of faith against the LORD." Texts like this push parents and children alike to the Cross - and I have yet to find a children's Bible that includes Leviticus 6 in its readings.

For those readers who have older, or grown, children: When did you make the transition to family devotions? How can we make the transition smooth?

The funny things she says

This past weekend, we had time in the mountains with Elisabeth's grandparents and aunt and uncle. Being in a new place, she wasn't keen on sleeping by herself. After I put her to bed, I went upstairs to see everyone else. She called out numerous times in a plaintive voice, "Daddy!" Since she was overtired, my encouragement to go to sleep fell on deaf ears. I decided to go down to help her calm down at the same time as he decided to come up the stairs to plead for company. She said through her sobs:

"I called you several times, and you didn't come!"

'Several' is a significant understatement.

I love you, but I don't love sleeping

Elisabeth has never been a sleeper. A few nights ago she captured it well as I was putting her to bed. She said,

"Dad, I love you, but I don't love sleeping."

The excellency of a believer

The difference between believers and unbelievers as to knowledge is not so much in the matter of their knowledge as in the manner of their knowing. Unbelievers, some of them, may know more and be able to say more of God, his perfections, and his will, than many believers; but they know nothing as they ought, nothing in a right manner, nothing spiritually and savingly, nothing with a holy, heavenly light. The excellency of a believer is, not that he has a large apprehension of things, but that what he does apprehend, which perhaps may be very little, he sees it in the light of the Spirit of God, in a saving, soul-transforming light; and this is that which gives us communion with God, and not prying thoughts or curious-raised notions. (John Owen Overcoming Sin and Temptation p117)

As I read John Owen, I cannot help but see the many implications for parenting. Both children and adults become proud of their knowledge, because "knowledge puffs up." So it is that unless deliberately checked by the Gospel, a child raised in a Christian home may very easily come to think of him or herself as better than others who do not know things about God, and so pray, "God, thank you that I am not like . . ." A child needs to hear early and often that:

"The excellency of a believer is, not that he [knows more than others], but that what he does apprehend . . . he sees . . . in light of the Spirit of God . . . which gives us communion with God."

This reminder of the Gospel keeps us humble, since we cannot boast of what we receive from the Spirit, and sets us after that which the Gospel procures: not mere knowledge about God, but communion with God.

The Break

In the past few weeks I have needed to repent of lax parenting. I slipped into the habit of repeating myself, which I think is a terrible habit. Elisabeth also had several melt-downs, prompting me to be more intentional about using the Break. I scoured the National Council for Biblical Parenting website to see if I could find their description of "the Break" to no avail. So I am going to post here extensive excerpts from Home Improvement by Scott Turansky and Joanne Miller because I have found their "break" so useful.

Summary of a Break (p. 71)
1. Quickly begin the Break after misbehavior
2. Stay calm
3. State the offense and the directive
4. Choose an appropriate Break location
5. Ignore protests, excuses and tantrums
6. Don't take no for an answer
7. Don't talk to a child who is in a Break
8. Allow enough time for a Break

"A Break prepares a child to receive correction, understand the consequences of misbehavior, and be willing to change." (p. 62)

How to Use a Break
Quickly begin the break after misbehavior . . . remove the child from the situation or activity immediately following misbehavior. You might simply say, "Tyler, that was unkind. Take a Break in the doorway here, and come and see me when you're ready to talk about this," or, "Sara, that attitude is not helpful. You need to take a Break on that blue chair until you settle down and are ready to talk with me." [The point of the Break is for the child to be stationary and undistracted so she or he can think about the offense and adopt a repentant attitude before having a conversation with a parent about the offense.]

Stay Calm
A parent's emotions can turn a discipline time into a volatile argument. It's important for you to remain calm and matter of fact as you progress through the process. This allows the child to focus on the offense instead of on parental anger.

State the Offense and the Directive
Clarify for your child why he's taking a Break. For example, "Hitting is not the way to solve that problem. You need to take a Break. . . ."

Choose an appropriate Break location
The best location for a Break is a place away from any activity or stimulation. The bottom step, the hallway floor, or a chair in a quiet room might be appropriate. The actual place isn't as important as the time set aside to change the heart. Some parents send their children to their rooms. Although this may be helpful, for many children, going to their rooms is like a trip to an amusement park. Toys, computers or other activities easily distract children from the primary purpose of a Break. It's best to choose a boring place where a child can think and is then motivated to return to the parent. A Break place may change depending on your unique situation, but the concept remains the same: the child is sent on a mission to change his or her heart.

Ignore protests, excuses and tantrums
Some children resist taking a Break and taunt parents into a battle. An angry child wants company and pushes a parent's buttons to invite the parent into a fight. Refuse to join the anger party. Instead, ignore the tantrum and simply say, "We'll talk about it after you take a Break." Don't be distracted by excuses. Children often want to engage you in an argument. A discussion will happen at the end of the Break, but first the child must settle down, change the heart, and be ready to work with the parent.

Don't take 'No' for an answer
If a young child refuses to take a Break, pick him up, gently put him there and say, "You need to obey." You may even hold a child in your lap in the Break to teach this new routine. Simply say, "When you stop fighting me, I'll release my hold." When the child does settle down on your lap, then right away have him sit in the Break alone...

Don't talk to a child who is in a break
When a child returns from the Break you'll have a dialogue about the problem and a different solution. But while the child is in the Break, don't get sucked into a dialogue. The child's mission in the Break is to change the heart.

Allow enough time for a break
The child is told to come back when . . . calm and ready to talk about the problem. A Break allows the child, under the parent's guidance, to determine when to come back. The length of time a child chooses to stay in a Break is flexible, relating to his or her needs. The only prerequisite for coming out of the Break is that the child is willing to work through the repentance process. He or she may be ready to change but not know what right behavior to do next time . . . repentance is a condition of the heart. Once the child has begun this change, the parent can help the child learn what was wrong and recognize a more appropriate response.

Young children or those just learning how to take a Break may find it difficult to identify what they did wrong, why it was wrong or even how to think about the separation. Other children aren't even ready to think because they're too caught up in their emotions. In situations like these, the purpose of a Break is simply to allow the child to settle down and then return to the parent for a teaching time . . . because of stubbornness, a change of heart may take longer - twenty minutes or several hours. Either way, encourage the child to initiate the return.

It's important for the child to determine the length of time spent in a Break because it's hard for a parent to anticipate when a child is ready to return or when repentance has taken place . . . How will you know when to end a Break? Some children take longer to change their hearts than others. Sometimes children may only settle down while they are alone. Then they can come back and process other steps with the parent. Other times children . . . can make significant heart changes during a Break . . . Sometimes children return before they are ready, or defiantly move out of the places where they were told to sit. They just want to get out of the Break and regain their freedom. In this case, you may have to say, "No, I can tell you're not ready yet by your posture and attitude. It looks like you need to stay in the Break longer." Your responsibility is to teach your child to obey. You must "win" during these situations in order to make a Break an effective tool for discipline.

Remember the goal:
...Children who are upset may respond with a bad attitude when told to take a Break. Stomping feet and slamming doors on the way to a Break must be confronted. When the child returns from a Break, first deal with the initial offense . . . then give him or her another Break for the continuing bad attitude. You may something like, "I'm glad we worked out the problem with your fighting with your brother. I think you're ready to play with him nicely. But before you go, we must deal with another problem. I was disappointed that you had a bad attitude when I told you to take a Break. So I want you to take another Break because of that bad attitude. You don't have to stay there long, but I'd like you to show me that you can take a Break with a good attitude." Then have the child practice walking to the Break. When he or she returns, talk about the stomping and slamming and what a good response to correction looks like. (pgs. 62-67)

I love this method for a number of reasons:

1. It is disciplinary, not punitive.
2. It gives the child responsibility for changing attitude.
3. The child experiences separation as a result of disobedience (a great practical picture of how sin separates us from fellowship with God)
4. It allows the child time to repent.
5. It addresses the heart, and not merely the behavior.
6. It requires genuine two-way communication.
7. It does not accept the right words without the right attitude.
8. A teacher, nanny or babysitter can use it just as consistently as a parent.

However, I would classify the Turansky/Miller Break as consistent with "wise parenting" rather than Gospel parenting. I think that the discipline process is significantly enriched by impressing the truths of the Gospel in each Break:

• Sin is not just against people but against God.
• Sin requires not only repentance but forgiveness.
• Jesus offers both forgiveness and power for repentance.
• We receive forgiveness and power by obeying and trusting Jesus.
  

I highly recommend this modified version of the Break. The discipline process and presentation of the truths of the Gospel naturally lead to prayer in each encounter because I need grace and wisdom to parent well, and Elisabeth needs grace to obey.

The peculiar task of the Church

Of late I have been thinking much about the Church's mission. That reflection has recalled these words of Martyn Lloyd-Jones on the primary task of the Church:

So I would lay it down as a basic proposition that the primary task of the Church is not to educate men, is not to heal him physically or psychologically, it is not to make him happy. I will go further; it is not even to make him good. These are things that accompany salvation; and when the Church performs her true task she does incidentally educate men and give them knowledge and information, she does bring them happiness, she does make them good and better than they were. But my point is that those are not her primary objectives. Her primary purpose is not any of these: it is rather to put man into the right relationship with God, to reconcile God to man . . . .

The business of the Church, and the business of preaching - and she alone can do this - is to isolate the radical problems and to deal with them in a radical manner. This is specialist work, it is the peculiar to task of the Church. . . .

When you depart from the primary task of the Church and do something else, though your motive may be pure and excellent, [failure] is the result. . . I argue that in many ways it is the departure of the Church from preaching that is responsible in a large measure of the state of modern society. The Church has been trying to preach morality and ethics without the Gospel as a basis; it has been preaching morality without godliness; and it simply does not work. . . .

But my objection to the substitution of a socio-political interest for the preaching of the Gospel can be stated more positively. This concern about the social and political conditions, and about the happiness of the individual and so on, has always been dealt with most effectively when you have had reformation and revival and true preaching in the Christian Church. I would go further to and suggest that it is the Christian Church that has made the greatest contribution throughout the centuries to the solution of these very problems . . . My argument is that when the Church performs her primary task, these other things invariably result from it . . . And so you will find that the greatest periods and epochs in the history of countries have aways been those that followed in the wake of great religious reformations and revivals.

. . . I would go so far as to say that never has there been a greater opportunity for preaching than there is today, because we are living in an age of disillusionment. (Martyn Lloyd-Jones Preaching & Preachers pp30-41)

I need again and again to be called back to center, to the central task of the Church - of reconciling people to God - in order that He may do His work in us all those good things that we desire to see.

As I read the history of awakening and revival, I cannot deny his claim that the greatest social and political change follow times of awakening and revival. That social and political change is not prompted by preaching about social and political change, but by proclaiming the cross. In times of revival, I think it is fair to say that people amend their ways, public and private, because of the fear and love of God - and so society is transformed.

With pen in hand

I read this description of Jonathan Edwards some years ago, and it has remained in my mind: of thinking continually, accurately and connectedly by having a "pen in hand." I hope that this blog is, and becomes, a way of living "pen in hand."

clipped from www.desiringgod.org Even while a boy he began to study with his pen in his hand; not for the purpose of copying off the thoughts of others, but for the purpose of writing down, and preserving, the thought suggested to his own mind. . . . This most useful practice . . . he steadily pursued in all his studies through life. His pen appears to have been always in his hand. From this practice . . . he derived the very great advantages of thinking continually during each period of study; of thinking accurately; of thinking connectedly; of thinking habitually at all times . . . of pursuing each given subject of thought as far as he was able . . . of preserving his best thoughts, associations, and images, and then arranging them under their proper heads, ready for subsequent use; of regularly strengthening the faculty of thinking and reasoning, by constant and powerful exercise; and above all of gradually molding himself into a thinking being. . . ("Works, I, xviii)

Camera being cleaned

In the interest of taking better pictures (and caring for my camera) it is "in the shop" for cleaning. I hope that we'll have it back before too long, but I know that they have to ship it to Canon and have it shipped back again, so it may be a while before fun new pics appear on the blog.

Gospel discipline in practice

What makes gospel discipline different from the kind of wise discipline that a non-Christian parent would exercise?

I think that there are several key elements to wise discipline:

1. Clearly name the offense.
2. Secure admission of the offense.
3. Find out why the child committed the offense.
   
4. Ensure understanding of why a particular action is wrong.
5. Offer alternative holy actions.
6. Pray together: for grace for the parent to exercise wise discipline, and for the child to be enabled to submit and obey.

I have seen the first five done exceedingly well by wise parents who are not Christians. They get down at eye level with their child, speak in soft but firm tones, listen to the child's reasoning, explain why the offense is not acceptable, and offer an alternative response for next time. I have watched with admiration, and have learned much from watching parents who don't embrace Christ.

So why am I so passionate about Gospel discipline? If a parent does the first five steps, or some good variation of them, but omits prayer, there is the tacit assumption that their offense is not against God, and that it is within the power of the child to change himself or herself. It is also the tacit assumption that wise methods will lead to necessary moral improvement.

Both of these assumptions are antithetical to the Good News of Christ. The announcement of the Gospel of Christ entails the bad news that "no one does good, not even one" (Romans 3:12). Therefore we need two things: forgiveness (which is freely given, not purchased by repentance) and reformation of the heart (which mere behavior change cannot achieve). If any parent, Christian or not, leads a child through a discipline process that leaves the child with the impression that she or he is not in need of divine forgiveness, and divine power for a change of heart, the natural response of the child will be to put confidence in his or her ability to repent.

For this reason, every discipline encounter is an opportunity to present the Gospel to our children. We stand in desperate need; He is rich in mercy and abundant in power. Prayer in discipline is the inescapable outcome of the Gospel permeating our lives. With our children, we come before Christ's throne seeking forgiveness of sin and divine power without which we may reform the behavior but can never change the heart that manifested in this behavior.

Gospel discipline is in many respects like wise discipline, and yet at its root is entirely different. Its assumptions about human nature, the nature of sin are antithetical. This is what makes it so critical that our discipline be permeated by the Gospel, so that our children learn to rely on, and hope in God, and not in themselves.

Thinking and drawing

He who hates reproof is stupid

When I was a public school teacher, I used this verse in my class as an axiom (without telling them that it came from the Bible):

Whoever loves discipline loves knowledge
but he who hates reproof is stupid (Proverbs 12:1)

The kids loved that I used the word "stupid" in class (since I tried to maintain appropriate decorum in the classroom). The starkness of the statement made clear exactly what I wanted them to understand: not to heed my correction or admonition put them squarely in the category of "stupid."

As a father, I deeply want Elisabeth to love discipline. Obviously, the point is not that she enjoy the experience, for "all discipline seems painful rather than pleasant" (Heb 12:11), but that she embraces it because it leads to wisdom and holiness. To that end, I want to "do" discipline in a way that cultivates a love of wisdom and holiness and I want to receive discipline in a way that models what I desire for her.

The writer to the Hebrews makes this connection between love and discipline:

"My son, do not regard lightly the discipline of the Lord,
nor be weary when reproved by him.
For the Lord disciplines the one he loves,
and chastises every son whom he receives." (Hebrews 12:5-6)

Our relationship with our Father - which must include discipline, reproof and chastisement if we are true children - ought to teach us how to receive reproof, and how to exercise discipline. Our Father "disciplines us for our good, that we may share his holiness" (Hebrews 12:10). Elisabeth needs to see that when I am reproved, that I receive it readily and humbly because it is for my good, that I may share in God's holiness. She also needs to see that when I discipline her, it is from love, is for her good, and directs her to wisdom and holiness by teaching her to trust and obey Christ. My discipline aims at saving her from being, or becoming, "stupid."

Pulling Daddy

Last weekend, I wasn't the only one doing the pulling.
(Today the last of the snow was melting off . . .)

Augustine on hedonism

"It is the decided opinion of all who use their brains, that all men desire to be happy" (City of God p303)

I'm not quite sure how Augustine escaped being quoted in John Piper's Desiring God: Meditations of a Christian Hedonist. In any case, I would say that the human pursuit of felicity (happiness) is the central thread that runs through the first nine books of the City of God. Indeed, the major claim I have seen thus far is this: God alone is able to give eternal happiness. The founders of Rome sought it through virtue, and their successors through the worship of the gods. Yet neither virtue nor worship of the gods offered hope of eternal felicity. This the one true God alone can give.

Why does it matter that Augustine made so much of the human desire to be happy? Augustine got this perspective from the Scriptures, and brought it to bear on his adversaries. He recognized the pursuit of happiness as the common ground through which he could proclaim the ability of Christ alone to grant that which they sought. He has already taught me much about evangelistic engagement.

Ten minutes before the end of Mommy's last shift

Today is Rebecca's last shift in the Pediatric ER before two weeks of vacation, a 7am-7pm shift.

Elisabeth has been eagerly anticipating Mommy's homecoming this evening, and we were in the kitchen preparing dinner for her. At 6:50, Elisabeth said, "Daddy, I stuck a pea up my nose!"

Immediately I thought, "Oh no! Ten minutes before the end of her last shift, and I'm going to have to bring Elisabeth in to see her in the Peds ER to have Mommy extract a pea from her sinus!"

Thankfully I could still see the pea up her nose. I told Elisabeth to blow out, and she pushed it down far enough that I was able to get it out - without the help of the world's best pediatrician. I think that it was probably best that way for the nerves of all involved.

And best of all, now Mommy is on vacation!

Snow Angels

Scalable business or open source entrepreneurship

In our recent entrepreneurship forum, I realized that there is an understandable love affair with scalable business. Since the industrial revolution, good businesses have often become big businesses. In the field of venture capital, there is an affinity to businesses that are not only viable, but also scalable. There are some businesses that can and should be scalable to provide the greatest impact to small communities and to networks of communities (cell phone service is a prime example).

Yet what is needed most in the field of entrepreneurship is not big benevolent companies, but small repeated entrepreneurship in communities where members of the community assess the needs, the opportunities and the risks and invest in the community. So the very ventures that are most needed in local communities are the least likely to attract the start-up capital to get going. Investors want something that's going to make lots of money. Most small businesses will make a good return, but won't turn anyone into a millionaire overnight.

The more that I am involved with entrepreneurship, the more I feel called to catalyze small, repeated entrepreneurship in the community, from the community and for the community. I think that the way that this happens best is through open source entrepreneurship. By confessing that we are acting for the community, we can be transparent with community members about the process of entrepreneurship, assisting others with intellectual, human and financial capital to establish other businesses that support the community.

Thank You, Mr. Falker

When I was growing up, I remember on many occasions my Mom crying as she read aloud to us. I appreciated the stories, but was never as moved by them as she was. Well, I think that Elisabeth is probably going to grow up thinking about her Daddy the way that I thought about my Mom.

Last weekI read her Thank You, Mr. Falker, and for most of the second half of the book had trouble reading because of the tears. It is the brilliantly told true story of the author's own struggle with learning to read. She captures vividly the shame and frustration she experienced, and the glory (I don't think there's a better word for it) of the teacher who patiently, lovingly helped her learn to read.

Thank You, Mr. Falker is a wonderful example of great children's literature, particularly for a child who struggles with learning, and for those who have the privilege of helping children learn.

Fasting

I am asking you to fast regularly for the end of history as we know it because you want the King to come. (John Piper in Hunger for God, session 3)

In my experience, fasting is not common practice among professing Christians, although it should be. Among those who do fast, I have not found this kind of Kingdom expectancy.

If children grow up seeing their parents fasting regularly "for the end of history as we know it because they want the King to come," are they likely to think that their parents really care about what car they buy next, or where they're going on vacation this year? They're going to see that their parents long for Christ and His Kingdom because it is more to be desired than life.

Gospel discipline

A man may easier see without eyes, speak without a tongue, than truly mortify one sin without the Spirit (John Owen Overcoming Sin and Temptation p80).

If this is true (and it is), then all of parental discipline centers upon the Gospel. The only way to deal with our children in discipline is through the Gospel. Not to make the Gospel the center is demand those without eyes to see, or those without tongues to speak.

Does this mean that until our children close with Christ we cannot discipline? On the contrary, it means that every encounter of discipline brings us to the Gospel, both before and after a child has trusted Christ. Before conversion, we tell our children that the requirements of obedience are not lowered because they are unable to obey; instead, forgiveness is offered to the disobedient, and power for obedience is tendered to those who repent and depend on Jesus! Thus we censure the sin, and require obedience without the illusion that they can do what is required apart from Christ. We embody the Law that is the guardian to direct them to Christ.

Once they have embraced Jesus for forgiveness, and reconciliation with the Father, the Gospel continues its central place in parental discipline. Every time we confront our children on their sin, it is a reminder that only in the Gospel is there forgiveness for the wicked and power for repentance. We press our kids to trust Christ now to deliver from sin by yielding to Him, and to trust Him to restore our fellowship through His forgiveness. So we are humbled, and He is exalted; we receive mercy and grace, and He makes us holy.

This is how our kids see that the Gospel is not just a ticket out of hell. They see that day in and day out, this is the Good News by which we live now. He who saves us from hell also delivers from sin. He is everything!

Sledding with Mommy

Saturday was the first time that Elisabeth had Mommy in the sled with her!

Teaching children to believe (from John 5)

How can you believe, when you receive glory from one another and do not seek the glory that comes from the only God? (John 5:44)

Jesus is very clear that seeking glory from others is antithetical to believing Him. If we care for ourselves and our children, then we will do violence to our own desire for glory from others, and warn our children of the peril of seeking glory from others.

Teaching children how to repent

A man may beat down the bitter fruit from an evil tree until he is weary; while the root abides in strength and vigor, the beating down of the present fruit will not hinder it from bringing forth more. (John Owen Overcoming Sin and Temptation p76)

It is never too early to teach a child how to battle with sin. Sin is with them from birth, and bears fruit for death. A parent may very easily either try to beat the bitter fruit from the tree of a child, or encourage the child to do so, without realizing that the root is untouched. The only way to address the root of sin is through the gospel because sin arises out of our nature, not merely our circumstances or personality (although these certainly play a role). The gospel addresses not only our sinful behavior, but our sinful nature from which all those behaviors arise.

It is to be feared that very many have little knowledge of the main enemy that they carry about with them in their bosoms. (ibid. p76)

The key to teaching children how to repent is to show them that their sin nature is their own worst enemy. If we teach them this, they'll learn not to play the blame game, but instead to pray to God for mercy and deliverance - and they will find it!

To turn the hearts of fathers to the children

Luke describes the ministry of John the Baptist in these words:

". . . he will go before him in the spirit and power of Elijah, to turn the hearts of the fathers to the children, and the disobedient to the wisdom of the just, to make ready for the Lord a people prepared" (Luke 1:17)

I don't know that there is another portion of Scripture that captures as well my sense of calling. It is the role of an evangelist, announcing the good news of the kingdom, but also that of a prophet, calling for repentance. It is a ministry that starts at home, turning the hearts of fathers to the children (by example as well as with words), and does not confine itself to Christians, but goes to the disobedient in order to turn them to the wisdom of the just. Yet family reconciliation, and the rescue of the foolish from their folly are not ends in themselves. They are for this purpose: to make ready for the Lord a people prepared - this time not for His first coming, but for His return.

This, I think, is where the strands of gospel, mission, theology and parenting (and particularly fathering) are seamlessly interwoven.

Holy Sonnet XIV

Batter my heart, three person'd God; for, you
As yet but knocke, breathe, shine, and seek to mend;
That I may rise, and stand, o'erthrow mee, and bend
Your force, to breake, blowe, burn and make me new.
I, like an usurpt towne, to'another due,
Labour to admit you, but Oh, to no end,
Reason your viceroy in mee, mee should defend,
But is captiv'd, and proves weak or untrue.
Yet dearely I love you, and would be loved faine,
But am betroth'd unto your enemie:
Divorce mee, untie, or break that knot againe;
Take mee to you, imprison mee, for I
Except you enthrall mee, shall never be free,
Nor ever be chast, except you ravish mee. (John Donne)

This sonnet was used in our worship service this morning, and the last three lines caught me in their grip. Then as I re-read the sonnet a few times, gained more appreciation for how whole sonnet was saying the same thing. It is my prayer tonight.

Fun in the snow

Our laundry helper is growing up

Wild swing ride

Although in many ways Elisabeth has a timid temperament, it certainly doesn't manifest in her desire for speed on the tire swing.

Hide and Seek

On Wednesday Elisabeth had a playdate with her friend Aidan. They decided that they wanted to play hide and seek. It quickly became apparent that being inconspicuous was not part of their hiding strategy.

The first time they came running back into the room before I had counted to twenty. The second time they hid behind the couch where there were musical toys on the floor, and every time one of them moved, a toy would start singing.

Elisabeth started to catch on that their noise was giving them away, so the third time they hid (behind the couch again), whenever Aidan knocked the toys and made noise, I'd hear her little voice trying to hush him.

On Thursday Elisabeth proposed playing hide and seek again. This time she hid very quietly, but in full view of where I was (but with her back to me). I explained that it made it too easy for me to find her, and that she needed to go somewhere that I couldn't see her. So she went into the bedroom and stood next to the bed with her eyes covered. I explained that even though she couldn't see me, I could still see her. I left the room for her to hide again.

This time, for the first time ever, when I walked into the room I didn't see or hear Elisabeth! She was lying on the floor behind the bed (still with her eyes covered), but she had gotten the concept of being both quiet and out of view!

Christian business?

I remember distinctly being asked by a friend, "Is your business going to be a Christian business?" I answered yes and no, but not in the ways I think she expected.

Yes, the Gospel will define what we do and the way we do it, but no we're not going to be a Christian business in the sense of targeting our products and services to Christians. In fact, quite the opposite. As those who are changed by the Gospel, we're made missional people. Our mission is to bring the good news to those who have not received it, not to cater to those who have.

Gospel entrepreneurship, as I understand it, is pursuing ventures that act as a sign, and instrument and foretaste of Christ's kingdom. The ethics of our business are the ethics of the Kingdom, and therefore function as a sign to point to the authority and reign of the King. We will end up doing things that appear to be utter foolishness to those in similar fields because of our King. While pointing away to the King, we also endeavor to be His instrument in human society to demonstrate and spread His justice, righteousness and mercy in a way that both magnifies the beauty of His ways and calls people to repentance. We believe that by doing such, we function as a foretaste of the coming Kingdom, in which people who have not received grace may see those who live under grace, and by the Holy Spirit be drawn to bow before our King.

We do not entertain the Pelagian notion that people simply need to see a faithful witness to be convinced of the Good News. Instead, we believe that the obedience of God's people is the chosen instrument of the Holy Spirit to awaken the lost to the beauty of Christ, the greatness of His mercy, and their own need for that mercy.

So the many economic parables of the Scriptures are not merely metaphorical. The diligent investment praised and required in the parable of the talents refers just as much to the affairs of life as to the proclamation of the Gospel because the Gospel redefines all of our participation in human affairs. Entrepreneurship is no longer merely for economic gain. Rather it is obedience to the command of the King who entrusts us with His things, to wisely invest them, according to the ethics of His Gospel and for the sake of His Gospel, so that we function in the affairs of life (and not merely in the 'religious' sphere) as a sign, instrument and foretaste of His Kingdom.

She raised her hand!

One of my major objectives in taking Elisabeth to museum classes (in addition to art appreciation) has been for her to learn to participate in group discussions. We've been going to a weekly class at an art museum for three months now, and Elisabeth has been very timid. When the rest of the kids sit on the floor to look at the art and talk about it, she wants to sit on my lap. While the other kids are raising their hands to make observations about the art, Elisabeth sits quietly either in my lap or on the floor in front of me.

Today Elisabeth shocked me. She wanted to say something, but couldn't get the teacher's attention (since she wasn't raising her hand). I whispered to her to raise her hand. She raised it quickly and then put it down. I whispered to her again to keep it up until the teacher called on her. She did it (much to my surprise). The teacher, who was just as surprised to see Elisabeth's hand, called on her. Elisabeth gave her observation, and then put her hand down.

Something momentous had happened. Not a minute later, her hand shot up again and stayed up, this time without me whispering anything. The teacher called on her again, and she asked a question. Intrigued by her newfound power, she used it again three or four times in the session. I was astounded at just how quickly she turned the corner. At the beginning of the session, she was one of the kids who would sit and pay attention, but never have courage to say anything. By the end, her hand was up whenever she had something to share. What an amazing day!

Here we go!

Gospel Entrepreneurship

One area of my life that hasn't yet surfaced on this blog is entrepreneurship. Right now I'm involved in several new ventures that are at various stages in the process.

One of those ventures is a coffeehouse in a transitional neighborhood. I have the privilege of working with a couple that is very committed to seeing the Gospel take root and bear fruit in the neighborhood. They are involved in a local church there and want to provide a place, through the coffeehouse, that retains the ethnic identity (or identities) of the local population and forms a bridge to the incoming gentrifying population. Since there are not presently other welcoming places to sit and enjoy friends and good (fair trade) coffee and healthy food in the neighborhood, we have a tremendous opportunity to create that space, while running a profitable business.

In an effort to get the coffeehouse going, we submitted our business plan to the entrepreneurship initiative of a local church. Our plan was selected as one among a group of about 15 finalists in the competition, and Mike (the business owner) and I were invited to participate in an entrepreneurship forum of entrepreneurs, investors, venture capitalists and theologians this past Saturday. I walked away even more encouraged and excited about what we're doing - and about enabling other small businesses in poorer neighborhoods to get off the ground.

So this is likely the first of many posts on Gospel entrepreneurship. Some will have to do with parenting (as the business ventures do in various ways), but perhaps more than that, they will represent the leaven of the Gospel being worked through the flour of my life until it is all leavened.

[Now those reflections can be found on Gospel Entrepreneurship.]

The days are just packed

I've been a little light on posting for the past week or so because I've been a little busy. Uncle Roger came to visit from Sunday to Tuesday, and so we had many adventures to keep us moving while he was here. In addition, I was involved in an all-day entrepreneurship forum on Saturday. (More on that later.) Monday night was a church meeting, and last night was a long-overdue date night! So you can expect a flurry of posts (and fun pictures) from the adventures of the past few days.

All Smiles

Crazy eyes

Elisabeth was given a coloring book of faces that has a page of eye stickers at the front. The idea is that you put the sticker eyes on the coloring page, and then color in the rest of the face. Elisabeth found an alternate use for the sticker eyes . . .

What do you say?

Tonight Mommy came home from work with stickers and a coloring sheet for Elisabeth. Uncle Roger noticed that Elisabeth didn't say thank you and prompted Elisabeth by whispering, "What do you say?" Elisabeth replied in a whisper:

"It's the same one as last time."

It doesn't love me

Elisabeth often answers, "I don't love it," when she is asked to do something that she doesn't want to do. Frequently in the course of the day I hear, "I don't love that," or "I don't want to, because I don't love it." Tonight at dinner there was a new twist on the phrase. I asked Elisabeth to finish her couscous, and she replied,

"It doesn't love me."

I never before realized that it was a reciprocal non-love relationship.

Sliding with Uncle Roger

We miss summer

Well, Rebecca published this. Graham loves winter.

The heart of repentance

When a man on some outward respects forsakes the practice of any sin, men may perhaps look on him as a changed man. God knows that to his former iniquity he has added cursed hypocrisy, and is now on a safer path to hell than he was before. He has got another heart than he had, that is more cunning; not a new heart, that is more holy. (Overcoming Sin and Temptation p70)

This is what we must teach our children! Perhaps we won't have them read John Owen to find it, but we must impress upon them that repentance is not merely the outward forsaking of practicing a particular sin, but that we need a new heart.

He that changes pride for worldliness, sensuality for Pharisaism, vanity in himself to the contempt of others, let him not think that he has mortified the sin that he seems to have left. He has changed his master, but is a servant still. (ibid. p71)